Everyone loves BART, and they love to be in love. From my observations and experiences, here are some tips for being in love and staying in love on the #1 Transit System in the World.

The Escalator

Holding hands with your girlfriend is extremely important. Hold hands as much as you can. Share the same step. If she stands behind you, on a different step, that means she probably doesn't love you as much as you thought. Say you let go of her hand, or both stood on the right side together. Would that be an appropriate testament to your love? No. You need to hold hands from the bottom all the way to the top.

Don't let go until the last possible second. It's best to break hand contact as close to the fare gates as possible, so that your love is preserved. With practice, you can go through the turnstiles side by side and never break finger contact, though one of you will have to be adept with your left hand.

And what about the other people on the escalator? Diana Ross said it best: "You can't hurry love." Those commuters behind you will just have to wait.

The Crowded Train

Sometimes BART is crowded. Obviously, you'd like to sit next to each other, so you can hold hands and talk, loudly. Sometimes, it's just too crowded. There's only one seat available. Now, ideally, you could get someone to move from a one-seat position to a different vacant seat, freeing up a double-seat. But sometimes there's not enough space, or the commuter is pissed off/annoyed/asleep/black. Then, you will be too scared to ask.

Sometimes you can find a seat behind your girl. This is acceptable only if you lean forward in your seat, keeping at least one hand on her shoulders or arms at all times. Two hands is obviously preferable. Keep up steady conversation, with your face close to her ear, so she doesn't start conversing with the person next to her and then break up with you.

If there is no chance to sit side-by-side, I think the best solution is to let your lady love take the free seat, while you kneel in the aisle next to her seat. You can hold hands over the armrest. And a little knee pain is nothing in the cause of true love.

Imaginary Girlfriends

When you spot your imaginary girlfriend on a BART train, it is important to not act creepy. Don't sit next to her, or even directly across to her. But make sure you choose a seat where you can observe her.

Watch her as much as you can. Try to read the title of her book or magazine, perhaps by pretending to tie your shoelace. If she makes eye contact, or even looks in your direction, immediately look away. Pretend to be reading your book, or the ad for the AIDS Marathon. She will think you are studious, or an athlete. A charitable athlete.

If she transfers at one of the Oakland stations, go ahead and follow her off the train. You can always transfer back to your previous train two stops later. Or, just ride along with her until she gets off, and then double back to your real destination. The BART fare will be the same, no matter how long it takes you to get to your eventual destination, because they understand about imaginary girlfriends.

When you're exiting the train or walking across the platform, that is the time to walk close behind her and try to smell her hair.

Another month, another appearance at the San Francisco Comedy Club, at 50 Mason. This time I'm not the headliner, merely part of the showcase. I wish there were a fancy term for this slot. "Sub-headliner" either sounds like I'm a super-powered comedian from Atlantis, or the headliner is practicing BDSM on me.

Nevertheless, I will be doing about ten minutes as part of a killer ensemble. Our headliner, Bill Santiago, is a rising star who recently taped a half-hour special for Comedy Central. To give you some perspective on this, I recently taped an eight-minute version of White Christmas starring Cabbage Patch Kids, for an audience of four people. Also performing in the showcase are Jerry Goldstone, Kevin Camia, and Zahra Noorbakhsh.

The show starts at 8:00, and admission is $10. As always, there is no drink minimum at 50 Mason, and there is even less in the way of bag checks for alcohol. The official promotional announcement is after the jump.

FRIDAY NIGHT COMEDY @ The SF Comedy Club
50 Mason Street, San Francisco - between Market and Eddy
Hosted by Eric Peterson

Info/Reservations: 415-398-4129 or http://www.50masonlounge.com

"The home of underground comedy in San Francisco" - SF Chronicle
"Best Place to Enjoy Comedy for the Price of a Movie" - SF Guardian

Who: The very funny Bill Santiago PLUS Kevin Camia, Zahra Noorbakhsh, Jerry Goldstone and Sean Keane!
Bill just taped his first Comedy Central Presents 1/2 Hour Special in New York City, but you can see him Feb. 3 in San Francisco!

Where: San Francisco Comedy Club, 50 Mason Street (between Market/Eddy)

When: Friday, February 3 at 8 pm (Doors open at 7:30 p.m.)

Admission: $10 (No Drink Minimum!)

For reservations, call 415-398-4129.

Transportation/Parking: One block from the Powell Street BART and Muni station. Parking garage conveniently located across the street from 50 Mason and a 'discount' parking lot next to Hotel Bijou.

SF COMEDY CLUB @ 50 MASON
50 Mason @ Eddy
San Francisco, CA 94102
415.398.4129
http://www.50masonlounge.com

(Read Part 1, Part 2)

Handy: Truth or Dare, Tailor?

Tailor: Truth.

Handy: Tailor, if you could kiss anyone in Smurf Village, who would it be?

Tailor: Oh, smurf! I want Dare instead!

Handy: Too late! You have to answer, or you'll get smurfed!

Tailor: Fine (Deep breath) I think Smurfette is pretty cute. I guess I'd kiss her.

Handy: Oh.

Tailor:

Handy:

Tailor: What is it?

Handy: Nothing. It's just - I have had a crush on Smurfette for a while now.

Tailor: Oh. Sorry - I didn't know.

Handy: I even invented a Smurfmobile for her.

Tailor: I made her a dress!

Handy: You should know, she told me I was her forever lover, you know, don't you remember?

Tailor: Well, after loving me, she said she couldn't love another.

Handy: Is that what she said?

Tailor: Yes, she said it. You keep dreaming.

Handy: I don't believe it!

Tailor:

Handy:

Tailor: So, it's your turn. Do you want --

Handy: Dare.

Read Part 1

11. "Fond Farewell", Elliott Smith: When From a Basement on a Hill finally came out, I expected the album reviews to be more ghoulish, sifting through the lyrics of the songs to read it as a premonition of his death. This one's lyrics actually say, "A little less than a happy high/A little less than a suicide". Thankfully, most critics seemed to shun posthumous psychoanalysis, and no one said, "This song serves as a 'Fond Farewell' to Mr. Smith and his legacy", though you could really do worse for your last great song.

I have an old live recording of him doing "Fond Farewell", back in 2001, with slightly different lyrics. Elliott is wavering, and sounds tired and upset, which some might blame on drugs. I think he's actually frustrated by the two fans who keep yelling out the same request over and over. "Clementine!" "I Figured You Out!" "Clementine!" It's enough to make you want to stab yourself in the chest, I tell you.

12. "Queen Bitch", David Bowie:

The Life Aquatic exposed me to this one. It's one of the only times I have enjoyed Wes Anderson's bizarre fetish for having his characters walk in formation for no reason, because it allowed this song to play in its entirety. This song is kind of like a Velvet Underground parody/homage/upgrade. I didn't know what Bowie was singing in the chorus for a good while. Then I read the lyrics, and I'm still not completely sure what the queen bitch is supposed to wearing - "satin and tat"? "Bibberty bobberty hat"? I am fairly sure this is the oldest song on my list.

13. "Extraordinary Machine", Fiona Apple:

I could do without the bridge where Fiona Apple is singing so high the lyrics are almost unintelligible, but the rest of the song sounds like it was unearthed from a musical from an imaginary time in a past that never existed.

At this point in my list, I am struck by the amount of stuff I like here that's actually sincere, not self-mocking. Could this be the dawning of the New Sincerity Movement?

14. "Papa Was a Rodeo", Magnetic Fields:

It's a gay cowboy love ballad with a surprise ending. Magnetic Fields specialize in songs that manage to be simultaneously funny, sincere, heartbreaking, and sarcastic. This song has lines like, "I see that kiss-me pucker forming/ But maybe you should plug it with a beer"; "Home was anywhere with diesel gas/ Love was a trucker's hand", and "After all these years wrestling gators/ I still feel like crying when I think of what you said to me". Yet, the whole ridiculous premise ends up still being a moving, tender song, helped no doubt by Stephen Merritt's singular vocals.

15. "Desperado", Langley Schools Music Project:

Sometimes I get unduly influenced by movie characters, or more accurately, movie characters embraced by Docta V. Dirty Harry hates ketchup on hot dogs, so it's mustard all the way. In the same way, Jeff Lebowski's hatred of the Eagles has made me sell them short, if only subconsciously. I never loved their music, but The Big Lebowski may have shoved the band into "hate" territory. It didn't help that my mom used, "Get over it!" as a personal catchphrase for a good two-and-a-half years after the "Hell Freezes Over" tour.

Hearing this lisping Western Canadian middle-school girl sing "Desperado", minus the overblown 70's production, only accompanied by a piano, the song is finally meaningful and pretty to me. I think it helps a lot to have a female vocalist, even if she's only 11.

16. "Huddle Formation", Go! Team:

The Go! Team is what you'd get if you recruited a band to jam on covers of 80's TV adventure show theme songs, and fronted the group with a British woman named "Ninja", who rapped, sang, and led cheers. When I saw a clip of a live performance of this song, I was blown away by how many people were on stage. Two drummers, a guitarist, a bassist, a melodica player, a dancing lead singer, and three teenagers in track suits shouting cheers and doing cartwheels. I highly recommend their entire album, but this track has the sweetest melodica part.

17. "Take Off", Bubba Sparxxx:

OK, this song has very little artistic value. It's the story of a white rapper from the rural South and his fear of flying; truly a relevant tale for our post-9/11 era. I think this is the most dramatic, overdone production I've heard on a rap song since Ice Cube's "Fuck Dyin'", where Korn provides the instrumentals and Cube calls the Grim Reaper a cocksucker.

Behind Bubba, there are classical strings and dramatic singing, possibly in Latin. And here are the poetic lyrics they're backing up:
"The in-flight movie today is 'Gladiator'/ But I can't afford the headphones, it's cool, I'll catch it later".
"Hey stewardess, I can't handle all this turbulence/ The ride's getting bumpy, and that shit don't help my nervousness".
"Now they fixin' to serve the meal, I think I'll go with steak/ Every fucking choice is crucial, and we all know the breaks - in this game".

Eventually Bubba weighs his need to take a piss against his anxiety about standing up, and sheds "tears of jubulation" upon landing safely in Georgia.

18. "Everything Hits At Once (for discos)", Spoon:

It was either this song or "The Agony of Laffitte", both of which are on the B-Sides to Girls Can Tell. "Lafitte" is a song that angrily attacks Spoon's old A&R man at Elektra Records, Ron Laffitte. Supposedly there's a companion piece called, "Laffitte Don't Fail Me Now". That song has the better back story, but the "disco" version of "Everything Hits At Once" is an upgrade on an already unstoppable song. The faster pace and the hand claps put this one a smidgen above the original version.

19. "Joy Without Pleasure", Daniel Johnston:

Daniel Johnston is bipolar and quite eccentric. He's kind of like Wesley Willis, plus artistic talent, minus 150 pounds. Yo La Tengo covers one of his songs, "Speeding Motorcycle", and there is a classic recording of him calling into a radio show and singing along with the band (who he greets with, "Hi Band!".

On "Joy Without Pleasure", it's just Daniel, playing piano and singing about how "joy without pleasure, ain't no fun, ain't no fun at all". The whole thing is extremely lo-fi, and may have been recorded on a $59 boom box. My lyrical highlight comes when he sings, "The son of Charles Dickens and a little red hen/Danced the Watusi like it was a sin". Then, after the last note fades, Daniel quietly informs his listeners, "That song was about pre-marital sex".

20. "Daft Punk Is Playing At My House", LCD Soundsystem:

This song was more descriptive of my life between 10/02 and 10/04, when I lived with Eugenio, and the Discovery album was never far from the CD changer. In 2005, LCD Soundsystem's song played slightly more often than any individual Daft Punk song at my house, my house!

21. "Distortions", Clinic:

"I love it when you blink your eyes."

22. "Bitches Ain't Shit", Ben Folds:

According to Folds, "It's about a guy that goes to jail, and while he's in jail his prostitute girlfriend's been sleeping with his cousin." That about sums it up. There are lovely harmonies on, "I ain't been out a second, and already I gotta do some fuckin' chin-checkin." And, the sparse piano really underscores his heartbreak upon finding the ho with his cousin, while still conveying his loc'ed, shit-uncocking anger.

When I saw him live, Folds led the crowd in harmonizing on, "Bitches can't hang with the streets". It was a beautiful moment in the history of Davies Symphony Hall.

Honorable mention: The song about the proper usage of "its" and "it's", from the "Strong Bad's Rhythm 'n' Grammar" CD.

This is the music that I listened to most this year, not necessarily stuff that was released within the previous calendar year. Some of it is fairly old, in fact. Because my music listening has moved predominantly to mp3s rather than full-length CDs, I'm doing it by song and not album. It's so much easier to skip the second half of Of Montreal's album when it's a matter of one mouse click, rather than having to walk to the stereo, get the new CD, replace the old CD - man, I ain't got time for that! There's important stuff happening at this desk that I don't want to miss!

In no particular order and without further ado:

1. "We're Both So Sorry", Mirah:

The song starts out strangely, with an autoharp strum, and halfway through the first verse, there's still almost no accompaniment. But then the horns come in briefly, and by the time we get to the first "I'm sorry 'bout so much, baby, but I know you'll understand", you're hooked. Or at least I am. Then, the second verse features Mirah singing, while another track of Mirah (I think it's also her) whispers the lyrics simultaneously, and it's really spooky. And then the verse ends with this slow-building crazy drum part, which carries into the next verse, and Mirah's voice gets higher, and the horns come back in, and it's all very dramatic and great.

2. "The New", Interpol:

My favorite parts:

1) The introductory guitar part
2) The crazy, screaming guitar at the end
3) "Baby, my heart's been breaking"

3. "Shine a Light", Wolf Parade:

This was the song I listened to the most from the album I listened to the most. My favorite part comes after the second chorus, when everything is really driving hard - drums, keyboards, guitars - and the backup singer starts in, and he's not even singing actual words, just this excited, "Uh uh oh OH" and it's really exciting. If I still swam competitively, I think this would be an excellent song to play before races to get adrenaline flowing. Except, come to think of it, I never especially did that while I was a high school swimmer. We did play AC/DC's "Big Balls" a lot, and sometimes when we were doing deck changes, Paskey would put on "Free Fallin'", but instead of "I'm free fallin'", we'd sing "I'm free ballin'".

This song is not about balls at all, unless I'm missing some Quebecois euphemism.

4. "Rebellion (Lies)", Arcade Fire:

Wolf Parade, Unicorns, and Arcade Fire are all from Montreal, and all have a disproportionate number of songs about ghosts. Wolf Parda has "Same Ghost every Night", "Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts", The Unicorns have "Ghost Mountain", "Haunted House", "Sea Ghost", and "Tuff Ghost", and that's not even considering all their songs not wanting to die or being ready to die. Is Montreal haunted? Haunted by terrible band names?

I would a sucker for any song that opens with a line about how "sleeping is giving in", even if it rocked significantly softer than this one does.

5. "Gold Digger", Kanye West:

You have a dilemma, as a white listener of hip-hop, regarding songs that have the word "nigger" in them. I don't like to say the word, I don't even like to type the word, but I still like to sing along. So, here are some options.

a) Soften the "r". Really, really soften it. In fact, soften the double-g too. And, don't enunciate the "n" all that much, either. The end result will be something that sounds like, "nih-yuh", which is still too close to be comfortable, honestly.
b) Instead of singing the offensive word, stop, lower your voice, and whisper, "N-word". "I ain't saying she a gold digger/ But she ain't messin' with no broke (cup hands, whisper) N-words".
c) Stay politically correct. So what if it has five extra syllables? Sing "African-American".
d) Try wholesale substitution. "Brother" will work just fine in a lot of songs. Or how about, "I ain't sayin' she a gold miner/ But she ain't messin with unemployment liners"? Or, "I ain't sayin she a coquette/ She'll mess with you as long as you ain't broke yet"?
e) Avoid sexism AND racism. "As far as I'm concerned, she is a beautiful woman and deserves respect, regardless of your ethnicity and economic background. However, I still want pre-nup."

6. "Pull Up the People", M.I.A.:

I like the beats, but it's the way she pronounces words that really sells me here, particularly "I'm a sol-dyah, I'm a fight-tah". I guess she's from Sri Lanka? Arular is pretty solid all the way through, and if the rap scene in Colombo starts blowing up in the next few years, M.I.A. deserves all the credit.

7. "To Be With You", Mr. Big:

I have no excuse for this one, except that I didn't have a recording of it until this past year. I wanted to use it in a drug hallucination sequence in Pharm Boys, as part of a duet between Andy and his Australian doppelganger, and if we could secure permission from the band, I still feel it could work. Deep inside, I hope you feel it, too.

8. "Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games", Of Montreal:

Let's pretend we don't exist. Let's pretend we're in Antarctica. That's the whole chorus. This was one of my favorite albums of the year, even acknowledging that I consider a significant portion of it to be unlistenable. The first four songs are extremely strong. In the past, I had pretty much hated Of Montreal, due to my dislike of the lead singer's vocal style, even though countless people had recommended them. (Also in this category for me: The Decemberists) I can't been able pinpoint why I find his voice and their music so different on this album, but perhaps it's due to the catchiness and accessiblity of the material. It's such a catchy song, such a delightful refrain, such a stellar bass line. And it leads very nicely into the also-catchy, also ridiculously-titled "Forecast Fascist Future". If penguins had house parties, I think they might really enjoy this one.

9. "Marking Time", Olivia Tremor Control:

I had a personal OTC revival upon seeing one of their farewell shows this year, at Great American Music Hall. I rediscovered both albums I had, and this song remained my favorite.

10. "Birthday Cake", Cibo Matto:

The chorus is "Shut up and eat! Too bad, no bon appetit!" I used to have a promotional CD from a radio station that contained Shonen Knife's cover of "Daydream Believer". Japanese punk rock girls singing Monkees songs - how can you go wrong? Cibo Matto does even better, with more interesting music, and a Japanese woman spitting rhymes about food. I'm not sure what this song is trying to say, beyond listing ingredients. Some of the ingredients seem like they would not lead to a very tasty cake. I mean, extra MSG? Really? But I don't know from Japanese baking, and I should probably just shut up and eat.

The Boston Celtics made a big trade with the Minnesota Timberwolves Thursday, swapping shooting guard Ricky Davis and disappointing center Mark Blount for Wally Szczerbiak and Michael Olowokandi. People who know more about basketball than I do can analyze the tradeoff between Wally's excellent shooting and Davis's superior defense. I am excited about the deal because it puts Boston that much closer to being able to throw up a whitewash.

It's a fact. Boston loves white basketball players. It could be the legacy of Larry Bird, or it could be a testament to the racism of the city, but Boston will rally around its white cagers like no other. It's part of the reason why Boston hired former Caucasian star Danny Ainge back in 2003, though it wasn't until this offseason that the snowstorm began. Ainge signed marginally-talented Caucasian Brian Scalabrine to a free agent contract. Supposedly, Ainge found it significant that Scalabrine has the same brain type as Larry Bird, Jerry West, and John Stockton. He certainly shares with those players a genetic resistance to sickle cell anemia, something Ainge also considers extremely significant.

Ainge then traded away Antoine Walker, and received seven-foot Caucasian Curtis Borchardt in return. Ainge also dealt for Caucasian point guard Dan Dickau. Adding those three players to the team's existing paleface, Raef LaFrentz, the Celtics had a ploddingly-slow, fundamentally-sound quartet with a combined vertical leap of six-and-a-half feet. They were achingly close, just one white shooting guard away from fulfilling every aging Bostonian racist's dream of an all-white starting lineup. No slam dunks, but plenty of crisp bounce passes and awkward high fives on the bench. As a concession to Boston racists who are also xenophobic, all four were American, which is a fairly amazing feat in today's NBA.

Unfortunately, Ainge's snow-white dreams were dashed when Borchardt proved to be too injured, and was waived. Dickau tore his Achilles tendon in mid-December. Approaching the midpoint of the season, the Celtics were 17-25, six games out of first place. More importantly, they were down to just two Caucasians. Clearly, they needed to make a move. When Ainge called Minnesota GM (and legendary Celtic Caucasian in his own right) Kevin McHale to discuss swapping Davis for Szczerbiak, they did just that.

Szczerbiak is a standout Caucasian, blessed with a sweet jump shot and a last name with a string of four consecutive consonants, including two Z's. His outside shooting ability once drew comparisons to Larry Bird, because every white wing player gets compared to Larry Bird. It's the law.

However, Olowokandi has been a disappointment after being selected first in the draft back in 1998. One would think there'd be little gain in acquiring the Kandi Man, until you consider that he was born in England. He may not be a Caucasian, but Ainge is betting that fans will rally around his British citizenship, if not his skin color.

The Celtics can't yet throw up the whitewash, but a group of Olowokandi, LaFrentz, Scalabrine, Szczerbiak, and point guard Delonte West would constitute a group where every member was either Caucasian, red-haired, or British. Not too bad. With Olowokandi's contract expiring at the end of the season, Boston would free up money to make a run at a free agent like Matt Harpring, or Joel Pryzbilla, or Vladimir Radmanovic, or Keith Van Horn. If Warriors GM Chris Mullin is paying attention, he'll get on the phone right now and see if Ainge will trade Paul Pierce and Al Jefferson for Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy. Hell, Utah should argue that the suddenly-controversial Greg Ostertag
would look great in the green and white. If the Ainge plan comes to fruition, I will confidently state that next year's squad will be the most popular 30-win team in Celtics history.

Game Journal
Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos
Point Spread: Denver -3
Over/Under: 41.5

Pre-game

We start with a dramatic intro read by...ex-NFL defensive end and current old man, Deacon Jones. I realize that, while I can discuss at length the relative merits of National League shortstops of the 1930's, my knowledge of football history does not begin until The Catch. But by all accounts, Deacon Jones was a stud. He does alright here, though he's no Don Cheadle. My favorite part comes when he slips in a completely gratuitous potshot at Peyton Manning.

Deacon Jones gives way to a live shot of Invesco Field in denver, where the fans are waving the least-intimidating props I've ever seen. Orange pom-poms don't make me think the Broncos are out for blood.

The normally-excited Phil Simms warns both teams to stay calm, and resist giving in to the excitement of being but oen game away from the Super Bowl. As a sequel to last week's pink shirt, Simms is wearing a pink tie.

Jim Nantz and Simms assert that Jake Plummer's critics are just waiting for him to stumble, and that they will continue to await his failures until he wins a Super Bowl. It's interesting that Plummer's name is associated with interceptions, because at the beginning of his career, he was known for his fourth-quarter excellence and frequent comebacks. Simms says that the Broncos love Plummer because he shuns publicity and media attention.

With all the attention given to Plummer's long hair and unruly beard during this post-season, I find it interesting that no one mentions that the look is a tribute to college teammate Pat Tillman, especially given the NFL's usual enthusiasm for any tie-ins with the military. Perhaps that's because Tillman is no longer an ideal hero for the war on terror, once the facts about his death, and the government's cover-up came out. And while Plummer might shun publicity, he didn't shy away from ripping the government's treatment of the Tillman story.

That was a digression.

UPS Game Points:

1) Box Office Blitz: Both teams are going to blitz a lot. "Box office blitz" was the best blitz-related phrase they could find? Is this because the Sundance Film Festival is going on in a neighboring state?

2) Pressure Cooker Kicker: A kicker might have to make an important kick, and "kicker" sounds like cooker".

Those Game Points were so bad, I'm sending some packages Fed Ex out of spite.

Sideline reporter Bonnie Bernstein is wearing a leopard-print fur hat and a crazy, Kati Vol-esque scraf that looks like it's made out of Muppet. Her hair looks blonder than last week, but it might just be sunnier today. She tells us Jerome Bettis made a speech about getting him to the Super Bowl. Inspiring.

The team has added Armen Keteyian to the sideline, much to the delight of Simms. Armen tells us that Mike Holmgren made "the speech of the year" before the game, which consisted of...making fun of his players. Armen gives us excerpts:
"You defensive linemen from Cleveland, you're all busts."
"Todd Sauerbrun, no one wanted you."
"John Lynch, you're like 80 - why are you still playing?"
Reportedly this did not make anyone cry. Rather, it make them realize the "lack of respect" shown to Denver all year. Nantz agrees that the "lack of respect" message often works.

Five Broncos made it to the Pro Bowl, including the aforementioned Lynch. The Broncos were favored against the defending champs last week, and they're favored again today. Were any teams adequately respected this year? Maybe the 1-15 Texans? I can still imagine David Carr standing up in the locker room after the Reggie Bush Bowl and declaring, "Nobody gave us a chance at the first pick in the draft. What do you say now, unbelievers? Two and fourteen, baby!"

First Quarter

Denver wins the toss and elects to receive. CBS choose a horrendous angle for the kickoff, placing the camera at ground level on the 30-yard line. Maybe they were hoping for an onside kick?

The first play is a run which goes for little yardage. Jigar asserts that teams should always prepare for a run on the first play. He also predicts that the announcers will discuss Coach Shanahan's routine of scripting the first fifteen plays of the game, a routine Jigar questions. Do you really want to decide all fifteen in advance? And if that's a good idea, why stop at fifteen?

(Answer: Because Bill Walsh did it.)

The Broncos throw a successful screen pass to unfortunately-named tight end Jeb Putzier, and right on cue, Simms talks about the script. So great is the power of this fifteen-play script, according to Simms, Pittsburgh will have to play cautiously, out of reverence and awe. Plays 5-7 of the script are less successful, and Denver is forced to punt from midfield.

Pittsburgh starts at their own 8, and Big Ben comes out throwing. He hits Willie Parker for 8 and then Antwaan Randle El for 20. We learn that Big Ben wears #7 as a tribute to former Denver QB John Elway, and maybe because he secretly worries that he looks like a horse.

After this, Simms tells us that throwing early will be a key for the Steelers, in order to "settle down" their blitz. Somewhat paradoxically, he advises Denver to "bluff the blitz", seemingly playing into Pittsburgh's bitz-settling hands.

On 3rd-and-3, Champ Bailey arrives at the same time as a pass to Hines Ward, nearly intercepting the ball. Instead, he pops the ball straight up in the air where Ward, showing remarkable concentration, snags the pass and absorbs a huge hit from 80-year-old safety John Lynch. First down Steelers, and Ward jogs off the field smiling despite the collision.

Steeler offensive coordinator Ken Whisenhunt is getting a lot of attention during the playoffs. I like him, both because he reliably calls wacky trick plays and because he looks like a less evolved version of head coach Bill Cowher, only with the ability to smile.

Pittsburgh hands off to Willie Parker AND IT'S A FUMBLE! The Broncos recover the ball at midfield AND IT'S A REPLAY CHALLENGE! (I win my challenge flag prediction, Jigar loses.) During the interminable replay discussion, Simms states that "the ground can cause a fumble, which shakes my very belief system to the core. Haven't I been hearing "The ground can't cause a fumble" my entire life? Before I get into any more existential despair, the referees report that Parker's forearm was down before the ball came loose, so the Steelers retain possessino, and the ground's ability to cause fumbles is a moot point.

Big Ben converts another third down with a pass to a receiver I've never heard of, named Nate Washington. (Ed. note: Later research reveals that this is his first career catch, so I am not so ignorant after all.) DB Foxworth of the Broncos seems to be making a lot of tackles, which probably indicates he is not covering his man very well.

Foxworth responds to my diss on the next third down, nearly intercepting a pass in the end zone. (Later research reveals this is the first time Nate Washington has broken up an attempted interception.) Jigar shows his editing awareness on the replay, noting a goateed bald man at the back of the end zone, captured in perfect focus, before the ball arrives. His sunglasses and total ignorance of the football game lead us to believe he is a Homeland Security agent, or an assassin hired to stop Jerome Bettis from reaching Detroit, by any means necessary.

Contrary to my expectations, Jeff Reed comes out and drills a 47-yard field goal for the Steelers, and it's 3-0. To his credit, Jigar thought Reed would make it.

All of the ads for Superbowl.com also mention the AOL keyword ("Superbowl"). Is anyone still accessing the internet exclusively via AOL, and not using a browser? Wait, I don't actually want to know the answer to that question.

Harrison Ford in the Firewall trailer: "You get the money when I get my family!"
Harrison Ford in the Firewall producer's office: "You get a phoned-in performance when I get my money!"

Disaster strikes quickly for Denver, as Joey Porter sacks Plummer and forces a fumble. All-Space-Eater Team member Casey Hampton resembles a frantic manatee as he scrambles for the ball, but he recovers for Pittsburgh at Denver's 39. A 24-yard pass to Heath Miller takes the Steelers down to the 14, and two Bettis unsuccessful runs take us to the end of the quarter. Pittsburgh 3, Denver 0.

Second Quarter

That score holds up for exactly one play, as Big Ben connects with former 49er Cedric Wilson in the end zone, who does a nice job staying in bounds. That makes sense, since in San Francisco, his only problem was with getting out of bounds. A Steeler superfan in the stands deivers approximately 15 separate high fives in roughly 3.5 seconds, though it may have technically been 11 high fives and two high tens. Pittsburgh 10, Denver 0.

Reed gives Denver a sporting chance by sending the ensuing kickoff out of bounds. Sicne the penalty for doing so is unduly harsh, Denver takes over on their own 40. They run twice for little yardage, and then Plummer finds Tatum Bell in the flat. He appears to have the first down easily, but Troy Polamalu makes an amazing ankle tackle after being leveled by a blocker, and stops him just short. Fourth down.

Shanahan decides to go for it, which is quite a bold move at the 13:32 mark of the second quarter. He might as well have taken his pants off, laid his junk out on the sideline, and called for a measurement. The decision nearly blows up in his face, but Mike Anderson makes an excellent second effort to get the crucial yard.

As a reward for his hard work, Plummer goes to Anderson on two consecutive plays, and he gains 20 yards. The Putz hauls in another pass, and the Broncos are down to the 12.

Denver ends up facing a 3rd-and-10, and they hand it off to Anderson. This strikes us as a bit of a wussy call. Don't you have to throw the ball and try for the end zone? Even if Plummers gets sacked, the field goal is a gimme. Simms likes the call. The field goal is good, and the score is 10-3.

Potential controversy arises on the next Steeler drive. Cedric Wilson makes a diving catch for 17 yards, but Jim Nantz thinks Shanahan is going to challenge the call. It's clearly a completion, however. Nantz is disappointed at Shanahan's reluctance, but then IT'S A CHALLENGE! Except, no, IT'S A DELAY OF GAME PENALTY! Wait, actually, Denver called time out. Simms teases his boyfriend: "You gettin' excited about the challenge, Jim?"

At the break, we notice that, unlike last week's mustached mini-pic, Jake Plummer's mini-picture now features the full beard.

Denver's PA system plays insulting "wah wah waaah" cartoon music and other sound effects after incompletions and before third downs. I wonder if that motivates opposing quarterbacks, as Pittsburgh has done quite well on third down so far. The Indianapolis third down tolling-bell sound didn't seem to faze Big Ben either.

Mike Anderson uniform update: Two other Broncos, Darrent and D.J. Williams, have their full names on the back of their jerseys. At 15 letters, "Darrent Williams" is the longest uniform name I've seen this year. However, there seems to be a good reason for the Williams boys to distnguish themselves. It's still not clear why Mike Anderson displays both names.

The sound effects fail as Hines Ward makes a nice catch on 3rd-and-10, for 21 yards. Three plays later, Randle El takes a screen pass ten yards on 3rd-and-9. If this game were being played by Canadian Football League rules, the Denver defense would be doing great.

After a false start penalty, Big Ben scrambles for six. Willie Parker gets stuffed on the next play, setting up another 3rd-and-Long. Pittsburgh takes a time out, knowing they've got Denver right where they want them.
At the two-minute warning, Verron Haynes (the greatest Verron in NFL history) catches a first down pass at the 3. After the break, Jerome Bettis takes it in for the score. 17-3, Steelers. Thanks to the sideline heroes carrying parabolic microphones, we get to hear Jerome Bettis scream "Aaaaaagh!" quite clearly. Gene thinks you could have an automatic robotic machine capture sound better. (Nerd.)

The Bettis parents celebrate in the stands. As far as I can tell, the only Steeler fans in the stands are the high-fiving Superfan group, and the Bettis parents entourage.

I make a note about how it doesn't seem like Denver is playing that badly; it's more like Pittsburgh is playing great. Jake Plummer immediately makes me look foolish by throwing a weak pass that CB Ike Taylor picks off at the 38. Simms really lays into Plummer, and the director rubs it in by sticking the ShameCam on Plummer as he walks off the field. The ShameCam will stay on Plummer for the remainder of the half.

The Steelers change things up by getting first downs, on first down. Parker runs for 24 yards in two plays against the stunned Bronco defense. Pittsburgh is moving at will, but they stay calm enough to intentionally run the clock down as far as possible. I'm not sure that's necessary, given how terrified Shanahan must be at the prospect of letting Plummer throw more passes this half.

On the next play, Big Ben spots a blitz and calls an audible at the line of scrimmage. He actually stops, announces the play by pointing to Bettis, then leans over to Bettis and points to exactly where Bettis should run. Denver misses these subtle signals, and Bettis runs it in for another TD. But - there's a flag on the play. Hines Ward lines up incorrectly, and the play comes back.

Will Pittsburgh have to settle for three? No. Ward gets instant redemption for his gaffe by snagging a pass at the back of the end zone. 24-3. Big Ben sprints to the sidelines and celebrates like Michael Scott in improv class, shooting off his invisible guns. On replay, the Denver corner had a pretty good chance at an interception, but, you know, didn't.

Simms harangues the CB, Nick Ferguson, for missing the pass. Jim Nantz opts for more gentle criticism, stating only that, "Ferguson maybe mistimed that jump." Nantz is like the nice dad who doesn't yell at you when you mess up. Instead, he's just very disappointed, and somehow it's way worse that way.

Jigar's editor's eye notices an overweight Denver superfan seated behind the end zone. He has a bright orange jersey, a matching foam cowboy hat, and a very sad frown.

The ShameCam finally leaves Plummer and settles on Shanahan instead. As he grimaces and blinks quickly, Gene comments that this is how a real man cries. In his pre-halftime interview, Shanahan says that the Broncos need to control the ball better, like, no shit. The reporter should have come right out and asked, "Mike, is the game over?"

Halftime Score: Pittsbrugh 24, Denver 3.

Halftime

Montage: Wussy pom-poms; Denver's frightening horse-headed mascot runs out with the flag; Ward points; Bettis smiles; Shanahan frets; Bettis runs for a tD; Ward catches a TD pass; Cowher grimaces; AFC trophy; Horse-head rallies the crowd; Superfan winds up for high-fives; Big Ben hits his chest; jets fly overhead; Wilson catches a TD pass; The Putz runs with the ball; Bettis yells, hugs Ward; Deacon Jones yells, "We're the ghosts of the Super Bowl! And the loser goes home!" The AFC trophy stands in a sea of flames.

(By the way, when Deacon Jones said that the loser was going home? He meant Denver.)

There are two very pretty women in the stands holding a sign that reads "Coolest Broadcasters Simms & Nantz". They look like sisters, or extremely fraternal twins. One is in red, and the other wears pink, the official color of Phil Simms. Their outfits consist of fuzzy peacoats, scarves, and matching fuzzy hats. I wonder if Simms denies them, they'd settle for hooking up with Armen Keteyian. You know there are Keteyian groupies out there.

Third Quarter

Pittsburgh receives the kickoff, and I am shocked to remember that Denver actually won the toss. Giving the Steelers the ball doesn't seem fair at all. The football gods try to remedy this, forcing a Willie Parker fumble, but it rolls harmlessly out of bounds.

Bonnie Bernstein tells us that, in his halftime speech, Bill Cowher told his team that they need to play like it's 0-0. I check my notes. Last week, when Pittsburgh was also leading at halftime, Cowher told them they needed to pretend like the game was just beginning. Luckily, Cowher has two weeks to figure out a new way to rephrase this exact same concept, in case the Steelers are leading at halftime of the Super Bowl.

On the other side of the field, Denver WR Rod Smith says that the Bronces "have dug themselves a hole. We have to dig our way out." I think digging would lead to a deeper hole, personally. Maybe they'll dig up.

The lazy CBS Poll question is, "Who will win the Super Bowl?" AOL users overwhelmingly support Denver. Ask something more subjective: "Who's cuter, Phil or Jim?" "What is more terrifying - the Broncos mascot, or the thought of seeing Jerome Bettis shirtless?"

Right, football. The Steelers move the ball consistently, converting two more third down plays along the way, in a manner reminsicent of the game against the Colts. After taking five-and-a-half minutes off the clock, they face 4th-and-3 at the 35. Deciding that it's too far for a field goal, Cowher takes an intentional delay of game penalty, and sends in the punter. I don't think Cowher is really pretending it's 0-0.

Punter Chris Gardocki comes out, and we get the obligatory mention of his no-blocked-punts streak. Denver shows they're serious by sending out a ringer to field punts, shovel man Rod Smith. He lets the punt go, and the Steelers down it at the two.

Denver takes over with nine minutes left in the quarter, technically still participants in the game. Their first play is a screen pass to Mike Anderson, who nearly gets tripped up for a safety. To me, it seems dangerous to throw passes to a guy five yards behind the goal line. On second down, Rod Smith digs deep and drops a pass. On third down, they repeat the screen pass/near safety play from first down, and it's time to punt from their own end zone. Randle El takes it back to the Denver 39.

That whole sequence followed the Colts game very closely. Pittsburgh moves the ball, punts from inside the forty, downs it at the goal line, almost forces a safety, and then runs the punt back deep into opposing territory. In that game, Pittsburgh scored a touchdown afterward.

Two runs to Parker leaves Pittsburgh with 3rd-and-4. It looks like they're going to convert, but Champ Bailey drills Ward and makes him drop the pass. I think punting from the opponent's 33 is needlessly conservative, but it worked out pretty well last time for Pittsburgh. They repeat the same strategy, taking a delay of game and then dropping in a short punt. Gardocki still has never had a punt blocked, by the way.

#29 makes an amazing acrobatic save to keep the ball out of the end zone, and the ball is spotted at the 3 - AND IT'S A REPLAY CHALLENGE! Initially, it seems desperate to risk a time out on a ball-spotting call, but 17 yards is a pretty big deal here. The replay pretty clearly indicates #29 just barely touched the goal line, so we predict a reversal. Sarcastic Denver PA guys play "The Waiting" as the ref looks under the replay hood, which is funny, but I'm not sure you want to piss off the officials when it's the home team's challenge. Then again, no one seems to be affected by the music and sound effects choices at this stadium, and the ref is no exception. IT'S REVERSED!

The end result of this call is that Pittsburgh gained a whopping twelve yards of field position on that exchange. Given that converting the fourth down would effectively put the game out of reach (if it wasn't already), it seems like taking a shot there might have been a good move.

GRAPHIC: Denver hasn't had a first down in over 20 minutes of game time. OK, that may have played into Cowher's decision to punt.

Alexander doesn't help Plummer, dropping a sure first down pass on the first play. Plummer hits Smith for nine, and it's 3rd-and-1. Plummer gets flushed out of the pocket, and scrambles right. He looks like he could run for the first fairly easily, but instead he lofts a pass downfield to Smith, for 32 yards. Plummer deserves a lot of credit for this one, though Simms rips him for passing up the sure two-yard run and risking an interception. I have to disagree. When you're down by three touchdowns, you aren't going to make a comeback without some long completions.

I should also note that Plummer has escaped four or five sacks so far today. His interception was terrible, but given the pass rush and the receivers dropping passes, conditions aren't ideal for Jake.

Plummer hits The Putz for nine, and then Denver takes a time out. It looks like a result of miscommunication, but maybe they were planning strategy, since the next play is a 30-yard bomb to Ashley Lelie for a TD. The referee's TD signal happens about five seconds after the ball is caught cleanly. It's not even a controversial play; the ref just took his sweet time. According to Simms, Pittsburgh was playing a "safe" defense on the play, which indicates that they aren't quite up on the definition of "safe". Simms also says Lelie was "getting on the safety". Perhaps that's how Denver will get back in the game: sexually harassing Pittsburgh's defense. 24-10.

Before the game, Horse-head drove a tiny car through a yellow-and-gold bus. That seems like one of those stories of hubris you always read the day after a team suffers an enormous upset loss.

There is 3:36 remaining in the quarter when Pittsburgh takes over on the 29. They've been moving the ball, but they probably need to score again to give themselves a cushion and fully break Denver's collective spirit.

Big Ben comes out throwing, hooking up with former 49er Cedric Wilson on a 30-yard completion. CBS has a great replay that shows Old Man Lynch blitzing, and Bettis annihilating him on a block. If Jerome Bettis were a fighter plane, he'd get to put a John Lynch silhouette on the side of his helmet. The Steelers are at the 41, and Cowher is salivating over the chance to down a punt inside the 10.

An injury report sounds like bad excuses for getting out of high school P.E. John Lynch hurt his knee getting blocked. Jerome Bettis is struggling with asthma. Jigar can't believe the Broncos haven't tried to exploit the allergen factor, scattering pollen on the sideline or releasing a bag of cats in the Steeler locker room.

A holding penalty pushes the Steelers back ten yards, but Big Ben makes up for it immediately. He finds Wilson for 15, and Domonique Foxworth again makes the tackle. Pittsburgh's picking on him, and it seems to be paying off big. On 3rd-and-2 from the 33, a short pass to Randle El gets the first down, as the Broncos decide to give him a five-yard cushion. Maybe they figured they were helpess against the third down might of Pittsburgh.

The quarter ends with a one-yard Bettis run. Get him his inhaler during the time out!

Pittsburgh 24, Denver 10.

Fourth Quarter

Good news for Denver: They won the third quarter, 70. Bad news for Denver: Pittsburgh held the ball for 11 of 15 minutes.

Homoerotic Sports Commentary, With Foot Fetish: Simms on Bettis - "You look at that body, and he's just so big - but then you look at those quick little feet."

Bettis did get his inhaler! He runs for seven yards on the first play. However, Denver holds firm on third down, as De La Salle grad D.J. Williams sacks Big Ben at the 24. Jeff Reed kicks a 42-yard field goal, and it's 27-10.

Denver now needs to score three times, but they had to know it was going to take at least 24 second-half points all along. Almost worse than the three points is the realization that, given Denver's desperate need for a stop, they couldn't stop Pittsburgh from running another five minutes off the clock. It's almost to the point where they have to consider an onside kick after their next score.

Las Vegas Update: Though there are miniscule implications for the point spread (Pittsburgh is up 20 points against the spread), that field goal makes it a one-possession game for the over/under of 41.5 points.

Adams, the Denver kick returner, helps things along with a long return out to the 43. It would have been more exciting had CBS not been using their overhead camera, which had trouble following the ballcarrier and destroyed any sense of perspective.

Plummer's very first pass is intercepted, on a nice play from Larry Foote. Jim Nantz says "picked off" right after the ball leaves Plummer's hands, and again sounds extremely disappointed. On the sidelines, Shanahan slowly wipes his face, twice. I used to do that at Squelch meetings when certain people repeatedly made unfunny jokes. Mike Shanahan and I might be poor poker players.

The Denver defense holds on the next possession, as Bettis looks tired. He seems to be fine for maybe ten carries per game, but the man is not in good shape at all. I think that was the unspoken reason behind his killer fumble against Indianapolis - he was exhausted.

Denver goes all out trying for a punt block, but in case you've forgotten, Chris Gardocki NEVER gets blocked. Bow down to Gardocki! Denver fair catches at the 15. The interception ends up costing the Broncos 28 yards and two minutes, which is not all that bad. Especially considering how much crap Plummer is going to get about it later.

With 11:30 left, Jigar and I attempt to predict the game's final score. I say 30-10. Jigar goes with 34-13. At this point, the only drama is based on the over/under.

Denver moves the ball a little bit, but the clock is running. Plummer avoids three sacks in a row, scrambling for yardage and connecting on a crazy shovel pass to Tatum Bell. He's definitely going to get hammered in the papers for the fumble and the two interceptions, but Plummer has dodged 5-10 sacks, and his receivers have been dropping passes. This (imminent) loss isn't his fault.

Nantz mentions that RB Ron Dayne is in the game, which everyone should know means, "Pass". Plummer connects with Lelie for 40 yards. Lelie makes another impressive catch, as he really was not especially open on that play. No word as to whether he was "getting on the cornerback".

Plummer escapes yet another sack, this time surviving long enough to draw a pass interference penalty, and Denver is down to the 9. We notice how much more excited the referee sounds while announcing penalties that benefit the home team. His voice gets higher after announcing how much penalty yardage, but before saying which down it is.

After each team trades five-yard penalties, Plummer runs to the 3. Simms remixes a Burger King slogan, telling us that, "sometimes, you gotta pay attention to the rules." Mike Anderson takes it in on the next play. Nantz's call: "Handoff to Anderson, and they don't - yes they do. Touchdown." With 7:58 to go, the score is 27-17, and the Over wins.

Sauerbrun kicks off out of bounds, screwing the Broncos out of another 15-20 yards. This is nearly as bad a play as Plummer's second INT. John Lynch continues his tough day, dropping a potential interception on the first pass. Maybe he was afraid Bettis might tackle him.

We get a weird "Eye Box", showing Mike Anderson simultaneously standing in the end zone after his TD, and sitting on the bench. He's not doing anything in either shot.

Pittsburgh comes up short on 3rd down, and it's Gardocki time! Nantz informs us that Gardocki has never had a punt blocked, due to his "two-step action". How many steps are other punters taking? I wonder if the quick punting hurts his distance. It's impossible to tell, since he's been punting from midfield or closer all game, intentionally kicking it only 30 yards or so. And thanks to Saurbrun, he'll be punting from midfield again. Adams calls for a fair catch at the 20.

So, Denver has six minutes left, down ten points. It's a tough task ahead of them, but I didn't think they'd get this close in the first place.

Incompletion on first down. Plummer hits Smith for seven yards on the next play. On third down, Brett Keisel makes an excellent play to sack Plummer, beating his blocker and getting a ninja death grip on Plummer's jersey. On fourth-and-10, Keisel gets him again and Plummer fumbles. There's a ridiculous scrum for the ball, ridiculous because Pittsburgh gets the ball no matter who recovers, since it's fourth down. Former 49er Travis Kirschke ends up with the ball at the 17.

I write, "Game Over" in my notebook.

As the Steelers hand off to Bettis over and over, CBS gets down to the important business of fellating the Steelers management. Someone in the stands has a huge photo of their former owner, Art Rooney, "The Chief". Bettis runs for six. Bill Cowher wants to win for The Chief's multi-millionaire son. Bettis runs for five. Simms tells a story about the Rooneys giving two fans a ride to the stadium for last year's Championship Game. Bettis runs down to the 2.

CBS shows a montage of historical Pittsburgh glory which conspicuously does not show Terry Bradshaw. is that because he works for Fox? Before we can muse further, Big Ben runs it in, and it's 34-17. He does not shoot imaginary guns after this score. Denver fans leave.

Denver has three minutes left, and they know it's over. Plummer is still getting chased out of the pocket on every play. Tatum Bell runs for a first down and nearly gets killed by free safety Chris Hope. Hope yaps at him, Bell looks scared, I wonder if they've noticed the insurmountable Pittsburgh lead.

There is a great deal of talk about Jerome Bettis "going home" to Detroit, his hometown. jigar doesn't think he's been back there for fifteen years.

Denver appears content to let the clock run out. Pittsburgh prepares for the traditional Gatorade dump, which is going to be fun for Cowher, since it's 32 degrees outside. George Allen caught pneumonia and died after a Gatorade bath. Cowher looks pretty hale and hearty, but you know, so did Jim Henson. Simms is either talking about the coach receiving the bath, or post-game man-on-man sexual encounters when he says, "You stand there and take it." In the end, Pittsburgh lets Cowher stay dry, so the players are either quite mature or rightfully terrified of their coach.

Final score: Pittsburgh 34, Denver 17.

Our final AFC fan sign is "Cowher Beats Shanahan".

The AFC Championship trophy goes to Old Rooney, who is too old and weak to hold it. Bill Cowher is smiling for the first time this season - yet he still looks a little angry. Big Ben gives his offensive line all the credit for his stellar performance, making him the anti-Manning. Bettis talks about Detroit, and promises to "show Ben the town". I think the NFL Network should produce a reality show that's just Roethlisberger and Bettis hitting bars all over Pittsburgh.

Shanahan refuses to make excuses, not for game plans, injuries, or Jake Plummer's cold, which no one has mentioned until now. He says they got beat, compliments Pittsburgh, and says he'll be rooting for them in two weeks. Still no tears. That's a man right there.

Pittsburgh has now defeated the top three AFC seeds, which is pretty amazing. I fully expect them to be favored in the Super Bowl, regardless of opponent. The player of the game has to be Big Ben, unless it's Joey Porter, who I didn't write about much, but he was in Plummer's face the whole game. I'd like to see more coverage of his recovery from a gunshot wound and less about Jerome's homecoming, but fat chance of that. Way to go Steelers, way to go millionaire Rooneys.

On the way to work on Monday, I was stopped a by a tourist with a limited grasp of English and an urgent need for directions. The only word I caught was "subway". I pointed to the Powell Stations stairs behind me, and was met with a blank stare. Next, I tried a pantomine of going down the stairs, and, somewhat embarassingly, going through the automatic fare gates. The tourist still stared expectantly. Finally she opened her mouth and mimed something that looked really dirty, until I realized she was pretending to eat a sandwich.

"Oh, that Subway", I said with relief. She still wasn't sure I got it, but nodded when I said, "Eat fresh." Subway is right by office. I even knew the specials, but I decided it was too hard to convey "$2.99 six-inch" or "roasted turkey". I went through how to get there - three blocks down, on the left, can't miss it - but the tourist still looked distressed.

She shook her head. "Too far." Then she went into Old Navy, for some reason.

In August, our good friends Aaron (not that Aaron) and Katie (not that Katie, or that one) got married just outside of Portland. The four of us were staying about three miles from the site of the ceremony, so we hired a cab to take us there.

The place were staying was a converted convalescent home. To their credit, the new hotel owners embraced their past, rather than pretending the safety bars and extra-wide doors in the shower were a luxury feature. Each room was named after one of its former residents, and said resident was immortalized with a wall portrait and brief biography. Our room was named after Marie "Cookie" Cobb, and her portrait was so scary that we left the closet door open so we couldn't see it. Mike and Jessica's room featured "Uncle Jim", whose biography claimed he "had the grip of a 30-year-old".

Perhaps the hotel's former incarnation was the reason the taxi company sent us the vehicle they did. It was a van with no middle seats, and an elaborate metal guard on its metal door, presumably to transport wheelchair-bound passengers. Since there were four of us, that meant Jessica rode shotgun, while Mike, Paul, and I, and our suits squeezed together in the way back.

The drive was a little awkward, since none of us could move laterally, and it felt like Jessica and the rotund cabbie were taking us to soccer practice. Soccer practice for cripples. Also, the cabbie was only going about 15 MPH. As is my habit in these situations, I was trying to defuse the awkwardness by talking a lot. We got on the subject of our recently-rediscovered friend Dan (not that Dan, and his teenage efforts to shed the nickname "Danny". Out of nowhere, our cabbie spoke for the first time.

"No one but my mom's allowed to call me Danny," he said. He let that linger there for a while, until I asked, "So, your name's Dan?"

He affirmed, and then added, "I had a different nickname, but until the reunion, I hadn't heard it since high school." Again, the awkward silence lasted a little too long, until I asked, "What was the nickname?"

"They called me 'Gutley'", he responded, and we all tried really hard not to laugh. He explained that his last name was "Gately", and so it was natural that his abusive high school football coach would yell "Dammit, Gutley!" at him when he made mistakes. The story got sadder when he explained that the team's football games were broadcast on local radio, and even the announcers called him "Gutley". Suddenly, being called "Danny" didn't seem so bad. What do you say when a cabbie spills his guts like that? Especially since, at this speed, we still had like fifteen minutes before we got to the wedding.

We rode the rest of the way in silence. When we arrived, we realized that this handicapped taxi-van lacked a meter, as well as a middle seat. Gutley rummaged through a box underneath his seat and did some elaborate reckoning involving a laminated map and a solar calculator. Normally, we'd have gotten out of the cramped seats, but the sliding door didn't open from the inside, even if you had the iron grip of Uncle Jim. Finally, after involving a compass and an abacus, Gutley told us our fare for the thirty-minute trip: $18. We paid him, waved farewell, and went into the ceremony, where there was a guy dressed up as the Log Lady.

Pittsburgh Steelers (13-5) at Denver Broncos (14-3)
Point Spread: Denver -3
Over/Under: 41.5 points

Carolina Panthers (13-5) at Seattle Seahawks (14-3)
Point Spread: Seattle -3.5
Over/Under: 43.5 points

These figure to be some high-quality games today. I'm 5-3 picking games in the playoffs, which is nothing special, especially since I was most wrong about games I was most confident about. I'm also 5-3 against the spread, but I think everyone is: In every game so far, the favorite covered the spread, or the underdog won outright. I have no confidence in my ability to logically predict an outcome here, so I will offer a smorgasbord of theories to help guide your predictions and wagers.

Dominant Animal Theory: Steelers and Panthers. Hey there, you might protest. Steelers aren't animals! To that I say, a Steeler is a human being - the most crafty and dangerous animal of all.

Phil Simms Quarterback Grooming Theory: Steelers and Seahawks. This theory is almost the polar opposite of the Beard to Success Ratio Theory. Phil Simms likes a man that's "neater, trimmer, and better-looking", so Jake Plummer's mountain man beard clearly loses out to Ben Roethlisberger's beard, because Big Ben appears to shave his neck. Matt Hasselbeck is less likely to shave before the game, but his baldness gives him the neatness advantage over the wild-haired Jake Delhomme.

Most Niner Theory: Steelers and Panthers. Before the divisional round, I proposed the "Least Niner Theory" as an indicator for playoff success. My reasoning was that having been a 49er was like a reverse pedigree, and that a team that needed to look to San Francisco for players was not a team that inspired confidence. However, the team with the most former 49ers has gone 6-2 so far in the post-season, forcing me to re-examine this theory. Perhaps having experienced the misery and constant losing that go along with being on the 49ers, these players are revitalized by their move to a winning team. That might have been the thinking behind the Broncos' decision to acquire four former Cleveland Browns defensive linemen in the offseason. Someone blogging in Cleveland can figure out the "Most Browns" theory if they really want.

Google Disrespect Theory: Steelers and Panthers. Players and coaches on all four remaining teams will be claiming to be respected inadequately leading up to the game. To find out, who's truly disrespected, you have to go to Google. For the search string "'I don't respect' + [team name]", the clear winners were the Steelers and Panthers, as well as for the search string "[team name] sucks". The Panthers had an overwhelming total for the latter phrase, which I at first attributed to the presence of another sports team called the Panthers. However, even accounting for the college and NHL varieties of Panthers, the Internet still thinks Carolina is three times suckier than Seattle.

Honolulu Coaching Experience Theory: Broncos and Panthers: The Pro Bowl takes place the weekend after the Super Bowl in Honolulu's Aloha Stadium. While most sports assign All-Star Game coaching duties to the coach with the best record, the NFL makes the coach who lost the Championship Game lead his conference's Pro Bowl squad. Pittsburgh coach Bill Cowher has led the AFC squad, which is the third-most coaching appearances ever, behind John Madden and Tom Landry, and tied with Marty Schottenheimer. Seattle Coach Mike Holmgren coached the 1996 NFC team. Denver coach Mike Shanahan has never led a Pro Bowl squad, nor has Carolina coach John Fox.

Dominant Cheerleader Theory: Broncos and Panthers: The Broncos have great cheerleaders, the Steelers have no cheerleaders. Easy call here. I haven't seen the Carolina cheer squad this post-season, but earlier this year, two Top Kat cheerleaders got into an altercation after allegedly having sex in a bathroom stall. Panthers clearly win this one.

Dustin Reed Favorite Band Hometown Theory: Broncos and Seahawks: I can't think of any bands that have come out of Pittsburgh, but I think Dustin likes the Apples in Stereo. The real difficulty comes in deciding up Carolina's Archers of Loaf and Seattle's Nirvana. While Dustin loves the Archers, he never had an Eric Bachmann sticker on his bass, so Seattle wins this one.

"Mike" Theory: Broncos and Seahawks: Denver and Seattle have far more Mikes among their head coaches. If I had evidence that either Holmgren or Shanahan had been named "Wade" at birth, I would pick them with zero hesitation.

Punter's Revenge Theory: Broncos and Panthers: Before the season, Denver traded its punter, Jason Baker, to Carolina, for punter Todd Sauerbrun. If they faced off in the Super Bowl, the stakes would be incredibly high, the reputation of the punters and the team's general managers hinging on every punt return, every touchback. And even though it probably won't happen, I would absolutely love to hear an extended exchange of trash talk on both sides. "What's up, Baker? You want to go, bitch? Snap the ball to me. I'll drop it inside the 20 right now. You can't call a fair catch when Todd Sauerbrun throws down, sucka."

Quarterback Snake-Similarity Theory: Broncos and Panthers: One might argue that Matt Hasselback's lack of hair is serpentine, or that Ben Roethlisberger's penchant for trick plays is deceptive, but Plummer and Delhomme have them trumped. No matter what, if your name is Jake, you are "The Snake".

Hypothetical Quarterback Nicknames From My Sister Molly Theory: Broncos and Panthers. Jake "Liquid" Plummer beats Ben "Mothless Burger" Roethlisberger. Jake "From Casa" Delhomme beats Matt "Portcullis" Hasselbeck (Hasselbeck -> Castle back -> portcullis).

Head Coach Mustache Theory: Broncos and Seahawks: This might be infair to the clean-shaven coaches in Denver and Carolina, but if they have a problem with it, there's a simple and elegant solution: Grow a mustache.

Clearly, the smart money should be on the Broncos and Panthers today. As for myself, I am going to test out the "Twelve Chips will Fit In my Mouth At Once" hypothesis and the "Jim Nantz Double Entendre Corollary" to the "Phil Simms Homoeroticism Theory".

(Read Part 1)

Brainy: La LA la la la la

Hefty: LA la la la la

Vanity: La LA la la la la

Dyslexy: ALL all all all all

(Extended silence)

Brainy: Dyslexy, it might not be working out with you in the a capella group.

A few months ago, the upstairs neighbors needed a new roommate. They ended up getting a temporary German, who was going to stay for two months. Before he moved in, we got into a discussion about the great opportunity this presented us, in terms of potential for cultural disinformation and general harassment. Our intent was not malicious, at least, not completely.. We didn't want to deceive the new German as much as we were intrigued by the potential to spread false and bizarre American culture back to Germany itself. If we could convince the new German that certain sayings or practices were standard American fare, or at least done by cool people, he might pass it on to his freundes back home.

Of course, Germans are already cognizant of American culture. When Gene lived in Munich, the hot import beer was Miller Genuine Draft. Neighbor Britney warned us that Germans knew enough about America to be familiar with the short-lived WB series Wonderfalls (which Paul thought was a TLC song), and also cautioned, "He's German, not retarded."

That didn't stop us from making plans, though we knew from the start that we'd never have the discipline to keep the charade going long enough. We thought about using "buttfucks" as a proxy for bupkis, our hope being that the similarity in sound might the German feel that "buttfucks" was acceptable slang: "Hans, that guy didn't know buttfucks about how to set up a wireless network." The phrase was, "burn some hot rubber" would mean, put a record on the LP player

I thought the neighbors should insist on playing Axis and Allies, as often as three or four times each week. The new German would always have to play as Germany, though it might be presented as everyone else relenting and letting him play as his native country, every single time. "RISK? No, I think we'll try another round of Axis and Allies." Everyone would act all nice about it on the surface, but audibly take pleasure in thwarting Germany in the game, to the point of making taunting gestures or muttering curse words, preferably in German or Yiddish.

The new slang phrase we really liked was also going to to be the one hardest to say with a straight face. If we were talking about a song, or movie we liked, we'd say, "That gives me a boner." Now, it wouldn't be used in a sexual way; just to add emphasis or clarification. "I love that new Wolf Parade album. It really gives me a boner." Or, "Good Night and Good Luck was good, I guess, but it just didn't give me a boner." I think that would be way funnier if the guy saying it were wearing lederhosen.

We never instituted any of this, lazy drunks that we were, and I had basically forgotten all about it until I was looking over Tobey Keith lyrics online (don't ask). On his "Shock n' Y'all" album, Tobey Keith has a tune entitled "The Taliban Song". Here is a representative verse:

Now, I ain't seen my wife's face since they came here
They make her wear a scarf over her head that covers her from ear to ear
She loves the desert and the hot white sand
But man she's just like me, naw she can't stand the Taliban

The chorus ends with the camel-herdin' Middle Eastern man riding away from the oppressive land of Afghanistan. They leave, but not before they "bid a fair adieu and flip the finger to the Taliban", a triumphant chorus that repeats a few times. The last time, however, the climactic line is altered slightly, and Keith sings, "We'll bid a fair adieu and give a big boner to the Taliban."

I could not understand what the hell this means. Is it just a side effect of friction, from riding on the back of the camel? But, no, I think maybe this is a sign that Tobey has spent some time in Germany. There's nothing sexual; it's just that leaving the oppressive fundamentalist regime, is so good, it really gives that camel-herdin' man a boner.

Jimmy McCarthy was an ordinary ten-year-old boy, until the day his class took a field trip to the printing press. It was there that a radioactive printer exploded, giving Jimmy the proportional journalism talent of a spider. With his newfound abilities, he became Kid Press Corps! Kid Press Corps was hired by an independent newspaper and moved to Washington D.C., to fight for the rights of kids everywhere.

Episode 1: Homework

Scott McLellan: I can take two more. Kid Press Corps?

Kid Press Corps: Scott, Jean-Jacques Rosseau once said, "You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again." And yet, millions of American children go home each night with hours of reading assignments, worksheets, and essays - no time to skip or play. My question is, when is this administration going to address the issue of homework?

Scott McLellan: Go ahead, next question.

THE END

Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears
Point Spread: Chicago -3

My former roommate Gabe has been driving the Bears bandwagon since the beginning of the season. While Paul and I speculated about Andy Lee's shot at the Pro Bowl, and whether the 49ers would get the first pick in the draft again, Gabe was focusing on the Bears.

"Seven wins might be enough to take the NFC North this year. You never know. After all, they get to play the Lions twice. And the Niners, at home."

While guarded, his optimism proved to be correct, as the Bears won 11 games and earned the second seed in the NFC. It's Chicago's first trip to the playoffs since 2001, when they went 13-3, got the second seed in the playoffs, and lost in their first game. Like the 2001 team, the Bears are a defensive team that likes to run the ball. In their regular-season game against Carolina, the Bears won 13-3.

Carolina is back in the playoffs after one year away. They beat the crap out of the Giants last week for their third consecutive road playoff win, which is impressive. The Panthers also have a good defense, especially the defensive backs, and they have a great wide receiver named Steve Smith. I'm fond of Steve Smith, not just because he's my height, but because he had the best touchdown celebration of the year. Vikings cornerback and sex boat multi-tasker Fred Smoot talked trash to Smith before the game, and Smith responded by catching 11 passes for 201 yards, and, most insultingly, pretending to row a boat in the end zone after his TD. Ooh, that's a burn, Fred Smoot!

I think the Bears will take it, 17-13. Bill Swerski predicted Bears 158, Carolina -24.

Pre-Game

This is my first exposure to FOX announcer Joe Buck since the World Series. One benefit of the 49ers sucking for these past two years is that the top FOX team never does their games, and I never have to hear Joe Buck. Sure, Curt Menefee isn't the best announcer, and he sometimes messes up players' names, and what down it is, and the pronunciation of basic English words, but at least he's not Joe Buck.

During his pre-game spiel, Buck isn't wearing his glasses. Has he had LASIK surgery? Maybe Joe only has to be fake-smart for baseball telecasts. Joe establishes his theme for the game: Bears quarterback Rex Grossman is quite inexperienced. Buck and analyst Troy Aikman are both wearing extremely shiny suits.

"Least Niners" Theory update: So far, the teams with the most former 49ers are actually 2-1. One could argue that, though the Colts had just one former Niner, kicker Jose Cortez, the incredible crappiness of said former Niner might outweigh Pittsburgh's raw ex-Niner advantage, but it seems that "least Niners" is not a reliable handicapping indicator. This game should put the theory to the ultimate test, as Carolina has three ex-Niners, and Chicago has none.

FOX has two sideline reporters working the game, Pam Oliver and Chris Myers. I guess they're expecting a lot of sideline news. Sicne the game is on FOX, you can be assured there won't be any of that liberal sideline bias you get on so many mainstream sports telecasts. Only fair and balanced injury updates for us today.

DISCLAIMER: I watched the game via Tivo. In a chat with my dad about an hour after the game's actual start time, he let slip that at some point, Carolina leads 16-7, and that it's "not a bad game".

First Quarter

Former 49er Jamal Robertson takes the opening kickoff back all the way to the 40, and Carolina starts with excellent field position. Carolina QB Jake Delhomme reportedly gets very excited for big games, like a modern-day Phil Simms, and "doesn't do anything at all to try and calm down".

Delhomme excitedly starts off with my least-favorite overused NFL play, the wide receiver screen at the line of scrimmage, or WRSATLOS. I don't mind Carolina when Carolina runs this play, since they have the key ingredient for the WRSATLOS to work: Steve Smith. This attempt fails, but on the next play, the Bears blitz, and Smith breaks free for a 58-yard TD grab. The Bears DB, Charles Tillman, illegally runs into Smith as he sprints downfield, but Smith just keeps going and the DB falls down. On the initial replay, Smith gets so open that Tillman isn't even in frame. I think Tillman might have trash talked Smith before the game. 7-0, Panthers, and it's 10-0 in Vegas.

The Bears start at their own 17, and we hear about Rex Grossman's inexperience. He's only started six career NFL games, though this is his third season as a pro. QB Grossman sails his first pass. And his second pass, too. The third pass gets batted down. It's fourth down, and Chicago has to punt. The kick goes a whopping 19 yards.

Carolina takes over at the Chicago 36. Buck muses aloud about how Carolina can possibly attack this Chicago defense. I wonder if this is the right question to ask, considering the Panthers scored a touchdown in two plays last time. Carolina only moves the ball two yards, and former 49er Jason Baker comes on to punt. He blasts it into the end zone for a touchback. That's two punts, netting a total of 33 yards. At the other team's 34, you might as well go for it on fourth down.

The Bears quickly fail on offense, and punt again. The kick is ugly, but it takes a fortunate bounce and rolls for 41 yards. As we got to commercial, Joe Buck delivers an impromptu soliloquy in the persona of Carolina defensive end Julius Peppers.

"Hi, my name is Julius Peppers," he begins. "I am a freakishly-talented athlete. Want me to rush the passer? How about run the ball? Or get back in coverage? Whatever you need, I can do. 7-Nothing, Panthers." (Note: Joe Buck's name is not really Julius Peppers, and Peppers does not actually run the ball.)

We learn that an hour before the game, Steve Smith cut short an interview. "Gotta get an IV. Gonna be one of those days." The pre-game IV seems really hardcore. Any doubt that Steve Smith came to play should be gone now.

The Bears defenders have complained that they are being disrespected, even though linebacker Brian Urlacher was the Defensive Player of the Year. In a twist to the usual respect/disrespect dance, they are also claiming that Carolina is over-respected. I hope for their sakes that no one mentioned that within earshot of Steve Smith. Buck asks Aikman if he feels he gets the respect he deserves. Aikman says, "Only from you, Joe."

Carolina tries a variant of the WRSATLOS play, throwing the pass five yards behind the line of scrimamge. It gains a yard. The Panthers fall a yard shy of a first down, and decide to punt. In an amusing moment, Delhomme tries to take an intentional delay-of-game penalty, but an alert (if misguided) Steve Smith calls a timeout. Because it's Steve Smith, the coach isn't mad. Carolina downs the punt on the 6.

Bears RB Thomas Jones makes some solid runs, and Chicago gets out to the 25. On third down, Grossman spots the blitz well and throws a pass that might have gone for a touchdown without Carolina's pass interference. Two first downs in a row for Chicago. They get a third one, and the ball is at midfield.

On second down, we see the dark side of the WRSATLOS. Grossman throws to receiver Justin Gage, who gets hit immediately by the DB. Freakishly-talented Julius Peppers scoops up the fumble and takes it in for a touchdown, easily outrunning Chicago's wide receivers. Peppers is a really fast guy. However, we have a challenge flag. Buck and Aikman debate whether the play should be ruled a fumble or an incomplete pass, but they give no indication that the receiver could be ruled "down by contact", which is what the officials ultimately decide. Replay confirms it's a good call, and the Bears keep the ball...for two more plays, and then they punt. Due to an unlucky bounce, this punt travels only thirteen yards, and the punter downs it himself. Brad Maynard now has a 13-yard punt and a 19-yard punt, and it's only the first quarter.

This game is taking forever. We're still only 11 minutes in. Buck talks up tastefully-named RB Deshaun Foster, who will be a free agent after the season. Aikman agrees, he's earned himself some extra money by playing well last week. Foster responds with runs for 2 and -1 yards. On third-and-9, Chicago blitzes, and Delhomme goes deep to Steve Smith. It looks like Tillman has a better angle on the ball, and he's much bigger, but Steve Smith simply rips it out of his hands. Tillman has personally given up over 100 yards receiving in the first quarter. Maybe he and Maynard could go get an IV together.

First down at the 2. Foster gets stuffed. Incompletion. Freakishly-talented Julius Peppers lines up at wide receiver, but he's a decoy, and Foster still gets stuffed to end the quarter. Carolina 7, Chicago 0.

Second Quarter

John Kasay kicks a chip-shot 20-yard field goal, and it's 10-0, Panthers.

Mrs. Troy Aikman loves 24, though hopefully not just because of Dennis Haysbert's performance.

We're one quarter in, and still no mention of crowd noise. Either Buck and Aikman didn't get the memo, or the Chicago crowd is very quiet. Chicago is known for its polite, well-behaved crowds, after all. After three more Grossman incompletions, Maynard comes on and boots one 46 yards. The fans cheer sarcastically.

Deshaun Foster starts the drive by getting stuffed. He's earning his free agent money so far with 10 rushes for 20 yards. Delhomme confuses the Bears with a WRSATLOS to a receiver who isn't Steve Smith. Someone named Drew Carter takes it 29 yards, and could have had 50 if he'd stayed in bounds. Sadly, it goes for naught as Urlacher makes a very diifcult interception at the 12. The Bears block quite well on the return, and he makes it to the 30. Those blocking skills might be very necessary, as it looks like the Bears will need at least one defensive touchdown to win today.

The Bears go three-and-out again, with RB Thomas Jones individually failing on each down. Maynard punts it only 29 yards, out of bounds. Buck scolds the fans for "taking out their frustrations on the punter", but can you blame them? Maynard has two sub-20-yard punts today. Carolina puts together a drive, led by Foster, who picks up 25 yards by himself. He also fumbles, but recovers the ball himself. The drive also includes a WRSATLOS to Smith, which leads to a 38-yard field goal from Kasay. Carolina 13, Chicago 0.

Having already complained about the Chicago fans, Buck now disses the playing surface, calling it "more dirt than grass". He adds that John Hughes movies aren't funny, Lake Michigan smells like a urinal, and Abe Lincoln's beard "made him look like a big fag".

So far, Grossman is 3/15 passing, for a total of 2 yards. Not only are those stats pretty bad, it's pretty amazing that he's thrown fifteen passes already. It seems like the Bears haven't held the ball for fifteen plays yet. To break out their rut, they decide to call a fucking fake reverse. My blood boils with irrational hatred for the fake reverse. Somehow, even though it's not even a pass play, Carolina gets called for defensive holding, by the nose tackle. That's like getting a pass interference flag on a punt. Anyway, the Bears get five yards and first down, which is ten yards and one first down more than a fucking fake reverse deserves.

Joe Buck rips Eli Manning, Chris Simms, and Grossman, all in one sentence. Grossman responds with two straight completions, totaling 40 yards. And then a third, for 14. Two more completions bring the Bears down to the 1.

Troy Aikman has a habit of complimenting players by saying that they're "doing a heckuva job", which I simply cannot take seriously in a post-Katrina context. After Aikman says this, I expect Grossman to take the rest of the drive off and spend his time on the sidelines, arranging dinner reservations and asking Coach Lovie Smith, "Anything specific I need to tweak about our 13-0 deficit?"

FOX puts up a graphic about the five QBs making their playoff debuts this year, and how disappointing their performances were, due to, what else, lack of experience. It's a little deceptive, since one QB (Carson Palmer) blew out his knee on the second play of the game, and another (Byron Leftwich) was playing on a broken leg. Those injuries have nothing to do with playiff experience. One other QB, Chris Simms, played pretty well in his game. Only Eli Manning really sucked. And, while Grossman looked awful five minutes ago, his revised stats are 8/21, for 64 yards. Still not very good, but no longer historically terrible.

On fourth-and-goal, Adrian Peterson just barely pokes the nose of the football over the plane of the goal line. At the two-minute warning, the Bears have cut it to 13-7. Our two-minute warning level is at yellow.

One Bears fan has gone all out, displaying a "D Fence" sign with the "D" in orange, and the fence in blue. I don't think the Bears have cheerleaders, because it's really not that cold. Because Carolina had and will play only on the road all through the NFC playoffs, they'll have to make the Super Bowl before there's any hot girl-girl cheerleading action on the sidelines.

Buck tries to explain the controversial Chicago "over-respect" complaint, which has something to do with them being the preseason Super Bowl favorite, but it doesn't make sense to him. Or the audience. Chicago disrespects Carolina into a false start, then re-respects them by jumping offsides. After another Foster stuff, Chicago takes a defensive timeout. Steve Smith takes that personally, fighting his way to the first down marker on 3rd-and-9. And he makes up for his earlier wasted timeout by getting out of bounds and stopping the clock.

Next play is, you guessed it, a WRSATLOS to Steve Smith, who gains 20. On the next play, the beleaguered Charles Tillman gets away with pass interference in the end zone. Delhomme is unfazed, and seemingly still quite excited. He completes two more passes, and Kasay hits a 37-yard field goal as time expires in the half. 16-7, Carolina. Aside from the Urlacher pick, Delhomme has looked excellent. Carolina nearly scored a touchdown on that drive, which might have effectively ended the game. As it was, they calmly went 50 yards in two minutes. That is not encouraging for the vaunted, under/over-respected Bears defense.

Halftime

We get fallout from the Steelers upset. Mike Vanderjagt says, "No excuses. I missed." That doesn't sound like much until we hear Peyton Manning's quote: "Trying to be, uh, be a good teammate here. Let's just say we had some problems in protection." In other words, Peyton said, "Fuck you, Indianapolis offensive line". You know, I didn't see the lineman overthrowing receivers on every play in the first half, or firing passes into Troy Polamalu's hands. Or, calling plays at the line of scrimmage that might deal with the blitz. Peyton Manning did all those things, if I'm not mistaken. Peyton Manning, you're dead to me.

Jimmy Johnson says Peyton sucked in the game, "good teammate or not". Terry Bradshaw brings up Manning's 3-6 playoff record. James Brown just takes a cheap shot at Terry, something I heartily approve of.

Halftime montage: Bears defense jumps together; Random Bear makes a face; Carolina's Alex Haynes (who?) points at the camera; Carolina's Marlon McCree (who?) beats his chest; four different zooms on Urlacher's eyes; Delhomme excited; Steve Smith scores; Tillman looks sad; Peppers hits Grossman, replayed from two angles; center places ball; Panthers Coach John Fox claps; Harris tackles Foster; Delhomme pleads with the ref, excitedly; two Panthers hit Thomas Jones; Mike Rucker hits Grossman; Ken Lucas struts; Steve Smith steals the ball from Tillman; Chris Harris trash talks Smith (bad idea!); Tommie Harris wears a goofy orange beanie; Smith gets tackled; Urlacher celebrates; Adrian Peterson wipes the ball on the end zone dirt; Fox runs into the locker room.

Graphic of Doom: Chicago lost the last 15 games it trailed at halftime. Which can mean only one thing: They're due!

Pam Oliver asks Lovie Smith if they're planning to give Tillman help guarding Steve Smith. Lovie says they have been giving help, which is a bad sign indeed.

Third Quarter

Thomas Jones starts things off well for Chicago, with a 24-yard run into Panthers territory. I learn that Dallas RB is his little brother. Could this be a sibling running back dynasty to rival the Mannings of quarterbacking, the Ismails of receiving, the Gramaticas of place-kicking? By the way, this has been the NFL's first Gramatica-free year since 1998, and I couldn't be more pleased.

At 13:49, Chris Myers reports from the sideline, in a strong wind. In my mind, we have indisputable confirmation of a Chris Myers toupee, as one entire half of the thing came off his scalp and stuck straight up, like a sail.

Grossman has found a go-to guy in Bernard Berrian. He converts a third-down pass to Berrian, draws an illegal contact penalty, and then hits Berrian at the 1, where Berrian absorbs what Troy Aikman says is, "the biggest hit I've ever seen." It wasn't a bad hit, but I'm pretty sure I've seen Troy Aikman get hit harder than that a few times. I mean, Berrian walked off the field on his own. Grossman hits a guy named Clark for the TD, and it's 16-14; 19-14 in Vegas.

Buck and Aikman have switched from criticizing Grossman's inexperience to raving about how well he's playing, despite his crippling inexperience. They're going to stick with the pre-game theme no matter what actually happens on the field. Either Grossman will confirm the preconceived notion, or he's a hero for overcoming the imaginary, broadcaster-created handicap.

Buck says that Bears will be putting the ball in Rex Grossman's hands. This weekend, I have heard the phrase, "Put the ball in [quarterback's full name]'s hands" in reference to Jake Plummer, Matt Hasselback, Ben Roethlisberger, and Tom Brady. I didn't hear it about Manning, probably because Peyton Manning decides when to put the ball in Peyton Manning's hands.

There's also a regular white D + Fence set in the crowd. No Bear foamheads, and I didn't see any Indy foamheads either.

Bad news for Carolina: Foster goes down with...an injured knee? If only there were one or two people on the scene to tell us what was wrong with Foster!

Carolina responds the only way they know how: WRSATLOS to Smith, who gets nine yards and a first down. He picks up seven on the next play, and I wonder why the Bears aren't triple-teaming him. For all I know, they might be, and Smith just can't be covered by any man born of woman.

On consecutive plays, Delhomme fumbles after a QB scramble, throws a crazy shovel pass incomplete while under pressure, and fumbles after being sacked. A Chicago takeaway seems imminent. Carolina punts down to the 7.

Grossman seems to be playing better, but I feel Chicago's real advantage has come from keeping their own punter off the field. A false start kills the Bears here, and Maynard comes on to punt. The punt looks awful, but rolls a good 20 yards, so it will look superficially excellent in the box score.

Commercials: My imaginary Olympics girlfriend Lindsey is definitely cuter while worried about snowboarding. Just in case you needed confirmation.

While the AFC Championship Game will be a Battle of the Beards, barba a barba, Chicago backup QB Kyle Orton has the only remaining crazy beard in the NFC playoffs.

Tillman's tough day continues with a defensive holding call. The cornerbacks switch places, and the other guy, Nathan Vasher, stops smith on the WRSATLOS. Of course, on the very next play, Smith gets open for 20 yards.

Then, a crazy play. Urlacher blitzes, but Delhomme manages to dodge a sack and a ten-yard loss. He then dumps the ball off to a running back, who is hit immediately, and Carolina loses ten yards anyway.

Before the 2nd-and-20 play, the Bears strangely use a time out. Apparently, "make sure to guard Steve Smith" doesn't come up during the time out, because on the very next play, Steve Smith gets free for a 40-yard TD catch, which he celebrates by jumping and sliding down the goalpost like it was a fire pole, a move which looks like it would hurt his balls. I tell myself that this was a reference to the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, and if it hadn't been against league rules, there would be a cow in the end zone right now with Smith. Carolina 23, Chicago 14.

I think it's time we finally asked this question: Is this defense as good as the 1985 Bears?

Grossman moves the ball when the Bears take possession, and when the quarter ends, the Bears have 1st-and-10 on the Carolina 38.

Fourth Quarter

Homoerotic Sideline Reporting: Pam Oliver tells us that, during the quarter breaks, "Trainers kept shoving bananas down Harris's throat." That's either for dehydration or a bootleg "Bears Gone Wild" tape

After an 18-yard pass to Muhsin Muhammad, Carolina gets an injury time out for CB Chris Gamble, but afterward, Gamble tries to stay on the field. No dice.

Another bizarre play occurs when Thomas Jones tries to stretch the football over the goal line, but has it knocked out his hand and out of the back of the end zone. The officials call it a touchdown, and Carolina challenges the ruling. They win, as the play is ruled a fumble, but a face mask penalty negates what would have been a touchdown. Given a 1st-and-goal form the 3, the Bears quickly punch the ball in, and hold onto the ball in the process. Carolina 23, Chicago 21, with 12:27 to go.

Carolina gets a good kick return out to the 38. Well done, former 49er Robertson! Delhomme ebgins with a pass to fullback Hoover, and the play results in a Rocky II-style double-knockout, as both Hoover and the Bears linebacker go out. It seems like there is an injury time out every third play. East Coast fans of 24 are going to get antsy.

The loss of Hoover doesn't stop the Panthers. Delhomme passes to the baldest white man in the NFL, WR Ricky Proehl for a first down. Then an excellent end around to Steve Smith gains 22, down to the 22, and I wonder if Chicago might think about paying more attention to him now that he's accounted for 250 yards all by himself. Maybe the problem is that they're attacking Smith one at a time, like in a Bruce Lee movie.

Replacement RB Nick Goings gets the ball and...goes for eight, then ten yards. A WRSATLOS brings Carolina to the 1, setting up a one-yard TD pass to Kris Mangum. Kasay hits the upright on the goalpost, giving carolina only an eight-point lead. That makes the game a lot more exciting, but particularly from a gambling perspective. If the Bears tie the game with a TD and two-point conversion, an overtime field goal covers the spread. 8:11 left, and it's Carolina, up 29-21.

Grossman's stats have improved to 14/30 for 145 yards. Since the broadcast team called him out for poor play, and reverse jinxed him, he is 11/15 for 143 yards.

By figuring this out, I jinx Grossman back, and he throws three incompletions in a row. Maynard comes in and punts competently, for 45 yards. The crowd seems to have forgiven his earlier crappy punting, though one could argue that might be the difference in the game right now. Of course, that's under the assumption that Steve Smith is an unstoppable natural force, like lightning or death, and Charles Tillman can no more be blamed for his failure to cover him than he can for being naught but a mortal man.

Carolina is about one first down away from icing the game. Which - they don't get, on 3rd-and-1 from their own 44. The Bears switch it up, putting CB Vasher back to field the punt, but it makes no difference. Jason Baker comes in again pins the Bears back deep, at their own 17. After that first touchback, Baker has been money. The former 49ers on the Panthers are playing quite well, except for the bizarre defensive holding penalty on Brentson Buckner.

The Bears get stuffed on their first play, but then call an excellent screen play to Jones, which goes for 27. Buck and Aikman are fretting about the clock, but Chicago now wants to run the clock, so that they will score with as little time remaining as possible, to deny the Carolina Stevesmiths a chance to win in regulation.

Buckner draws another defensive holding call on a running play, and I start to wonder if the gamblers have an agenda. A suspicious missed extra point, questionable penalties - you never know. As I'm mulling this over, the Bears pick up another free first down with an illegal contact penalty. There's 3:09 remaining.

As they leave the huddle, WR Justin Gage bumps into his own teammate and almost falls down. That can't be a good sign.

On 3rd-and-10, Ken Lucas intercepts Grossman's pass, at the 21. Troy Aikman says that Gage screwed up his route - it wasn't Grossman's fault. Heartbreakingly, the play clock had expired just before the snap, so it should have been a dead ball and a delay of game penalty. The referees' conspiracy against the Panthers backfires, and costs the Bears an INT.

Goings gains nine yards for the Panthers on first down. With one first down all it takes to end the game, Chicago's Lance Briggs makes a huge play to stop Goings for a loss of four. An end around to Steve Smith falls short, and the Panthers punt with 1:45 left. Big stop by the defense, and the Bears have one more chance. Replacement PR Nathan Vasher doesn't help things by losing five yards on his return.

The producers keep cutting to Foster, sitting on the sidelines with his foot bandaged up, but Buck refuses to acknowledge the woe-is-Deshaun storyline they're trying to create.

Hey, remember that 49ers lineman who died? Yeah, me neither. I bet there's no acknowledgement of his having died at the site of next week's AFC Championship game, either.

Grossman gets one first down, but fails from 4th-and-1, and it's all over.

Final score: Carolina Panthers 29, Chicago Bears 21.

Final thoughts: Grossman can hold his head high. If I'd know before the game that the Bears would score 21, I'd have expected them to win. His coaches might have helped him out by calling a few more running plays, too. Surely the pre-game plan couldn't have been to have Grossman throwing over 40 passes.

Steve Smith gave probably the greatest single-game performance I've ever seen, save the game where Jerry Rice caught five touchdown passes or the Monday Night game where John Taylor went for two 95-yard TDs. In the playoffs, I don't think you can do much better than 12 catches for 218 yards, plus 26 yards rushing, plus he punt returns. True, that last part was less of factor when Maynard was bouncing most of his punts or kicking them out of bounds, but the man was out there. He made the most convincing MVP case of any player this weekend, that's for sure. I don't know what the Carolina offense would be without him. Crappy, I guess.

Former 49ers are not so bad after all. If anything, teams that have more ex-Niners have better odds, which bodes well for Pittsburgh and Carolina.

To note for next week: Carolina fumbled three times today, but recovered all three. Seattle fumbled six times last week, and lost three of them. If Carolina had lost even one of those fumbles, it might have been a very different game. If Seattle had lost only two fumbles instead of three, they might have won their game by 20. So, while I think the Panthers are a smart team with a brilliant coach, and totally unfazed by playing on the road in January, I think the talent gap between the Panthers and the Seahawks is larger than people are acknowledging right now.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Colts, 1/15/06
Point Spread: Indianapolis -9.5

Pittsburgh was 11-5 this year, Indy was 14-2. Pittsburgh lost 26-7 in their game in Indianapolis this year. I didn't write a preview for this game, simply because I had nothing interesting to say, and I'm picking the favorite. I think the Colts are going to win the Super Bowl, especially now that New England has lost. I actually thought Denver was a little better than New England, but I thought the Pats had a better chance to beat the Colts. Peyton Manning has a reputation as a choker, and his lifetime record is 3-5. However, he's 3-2 in the last two years, and 3-0 against teams that aren't the New England Patriots.

This also might be Jerome Bettis's last game, since he has strongly hinted that he will be retiring after the season.

In other pre-game news, Steelers linebacker Joey Porter complained that the Colts "don't want to play smashmouth football, they want to trick you. Not trick you like that, but they want to go in the hurry-up offense and try to catch you in something. They don't want to just call the play, get up there and run it. They want to make you think. They want to make it a thinking game instead of a football game." He also stated that the Steelers have a simple game plan: they run the ball, and they play good defense. Sometimes they do play-action.

Colts cornerback Nick Harper got stabbed in the knee by his wife. A few months ago, Harper got arrested for punching his wife in the face, so I'm thinking he may have deserved it. Luckily, cornerback isn't one of those positions where running and changing direction quickly is important.

Pre-game

CBS has the team of Dick Enberg and Dan Dierdorf announcing the game today, with Big Armen Keteyian working the si