January 2007 Archives

Phil Simms is an affable broadcaster who seems very comfortable with his masculinity. So much so that he doesn't censor himself at all in discussing the physical side of the game, his fondness for rough play, or even players' physiques. Last year, Simms wore a pink shirt during the divisional round, and a pink tie for the championship game. Along the way, Simms produced gems like:

"The Broncos have their deepest penetration of the night".

Regarding Jerome Bettis: "You look at that body, and he's just so big - but then you look at those quick little feet."

And my favorite: "Good blocking on the backside."

Outsports.com has compiled a list of Phil's homoerotic comments throughout the years. This year's AFC Championship Game was no different. Because I love Phil Simms, and I have the sense of humor of a seventh-grader, here's a compendium of his broadcasting highlights from the Patriots-Colts game on Sunday. As a bonus for readers who prefer brunettes, there's some bonus Jim Nantz homoeroticism in there, too. Tee-hee! In there.

"The Patriots are very big and powerful up front."

"They're trying to confuse them by having guys get in there and switch positions."

"When it starts to slip, you're in trouble. But it has not slipped."

On Tom Brady's QB sneak:

"He just pats Koppen on the rear end, he probably yells out, 'Get ready!'"

On Dwight Freeney vs. Matt Light:

"He gets underneath him, and that helps him get around."

Nantz #1:

"To the backside, no one on top of Jabar Gaffney."

Nantz #2:

"Anderson got in there and rolled over him."

Nantz and Simms, discussing either foreplay or the Patriots offensive gameplan:

"You've got to loosen them up. You've got to loosen them up first."

Nantz and Simms also got into a discussion about eyeglasses. Simms mentioned his need for "thick, binocular glasses", and Nantz appeared to get upset with his TV boyfriend. "Why don't you wear them on camera?", he demanded. It really sounded like Nantz was disappointed in Simms, both for sacrificing his vision, and for trying to look more handsome than Jim Nantz. Simms admitted as much, sheepishly responding, "Because I'm vain."

I'm happy to report that Nantz and Simms will also be broadcasting the Super Bowl. Simms was paired with Greg Gumbel for his previous Super Bowl gigs, a fine partnership which nonetheless lacked the homoerotic synergy of the Nantz-Simms duo. Whether you're a fan of the NFL or just homoeroticism, this year's Super Bowl should be a memorable one.

Earlier Candynalysis:

Three Musketeers
Lollipop Paint Shop
Cherry Cola Candee Slurpee

My most recent novelty candy purchase was a pack of Now & Laters. The distinctive green packaging initially caught my eye on the convenience store rack, but once I saw it was called "Green Tingleberry", I knew this was a candy worthy of further analysis.

Was this name chosen as a prank? "Tingleberry" and "dingleberry" are nearly the same word. Move your tongue less than a millimeter and you've gone from discussing a children's snack to talking about tiny dried turds.

It sounds less like a brand of candy and more like the aftermath of a rough night of partying. "After I did my seventh shot of Jager, I went out and got pizza at 3 AM. I woke with a stomachache, a pounding headache and green tingleberries. A whole pack of them."

ConAgra Foods often uses its cutting-edge flavor technology to create Now & Later hybrids like "Blue Radberry". Radberries are very similar to raspberries, except they wear oversized clothing and prefer snowboarding to skiing. "Tingleberry" is a blend of berry and tropical fruit flavors, though I couldn't specify which berries or tropical fruits were present. In the color language of candy, green generally represents lime, sometimes apple, and occasionally indicates kiwi or melon, so my guess here is kiwi. Green is the only color of tingleberry available, so it is unclear whether tingleberries of another color might taste better.

Regardless of flavor, all Now & Laters have the same weaknesses: they're hard to chew, they get stuck in your teeth, and they're similar enough to Starbursts that you're reminded of how much more enjoyable it would be to eat a Starburst instead. I have read that Now & Laters are supposed to loosen to a taffy-like consistency after being sufficiently dissolved by saliva, but I do not believe that this actually occurs most of the time.

Perhaps this sticky quality of Now & Laters inspired the Tingleberries name. No matter how thoroughly you chew or how clean your mouth is, getting rid of the tingleberries is going to take some picking and scraping.

If you notice that your life includes a lot of Green Tingleberry, or a lot of green dingleberries, the lesson is the same: You need to start eating better now, not later. Green Tingleberry Now & Laters are an official "Product of Mexico", as if they didn't have enough problems already down there.

When would I prefer to try this candy again? Not now. Later. Much later.

I recently saw the movie Babel, recent winner of the Golden Globe for Best Picture. I thought the film was nothing special -- nice to look at, occasionally compelling, mostly insubstantial, way too long -- but then again, I am a hater. Babel is about our inability to communicate with one another, and how improbable, snowballing tragic events happen in all of Alejandro González Iñárritu's films. To me, the strongest themes were:

1. British tourists are bastards.
2. So is the Border Patrol.
3. Deaf Japanese girls are prone to act out in an inappropriate sexual manner.
4. Hey, remember 21 Grams?

My favorite part of the film came when the deaf Japanese girls would greet each other with enthusiastic high-fives. This appealed to me, as I once dreamed of making a documentary where I'd visit famous landmarks around the world and high-five locals in front of them. It was not an ambitious documentary. My movie companion and I had different theories as to why the girls relied on the high-five.

Louise: It's because they're deaf.
Sean: It's because they're Japanese.

It got me thinking about the way that I greet my own friends. Right now, I am heavily reliant on, "Hey, what's up?" If you call me and introduce yourself, I will respond with, "Hey, what's up?" This is true whether you are a good friend calling my cell phone, or an incarcerated state prisoner making a collect call to my office. It's a total reflex by now. In fact, if you call me, and we get disconnected, and then you call back 15 seconds later, I will still greet you with, "Hey, what's up?"

Usually, not much is up.

When I was younger, I used to greet people by lifting my head and nodding in a ponderous manner. It was the perfect gesture for an adolescent male, all false coolness and mild hostility. The head nod was judgemental, but also somewhat insecure. It said, "I'm lazily lifting my head to acknowledge you, because if I say hello, my voice might crack." It also may have been that our puffy Starter jackets were inhibiting the movement of our necks, necessitating such a birdlike motion. Sometimes the head nod would be accompanied by a quiet, "'Sup?", because that is how we believed cool kids and/or rappers said hello. Even then, something was rarely up.

I can't remember if the deaf girls also slap five to say goodbye to one another. I've been told that my own phone goodbye is an awkward, strangled "Goodbye" sound, as if I'm choking on the words in order to end the call faster. My roommate ends each phone call with a wistful, "Bye?", as if she's questioning whether you're really about to hang up. This gives the impression you've left something unsaid, or that the call is ending prematurely. Only after years of telephonic communication have I managed to shake the idea that I've wronged her each time a call ends.

The most ridiculous goodbye comes from my atheist friend, Eugenio. While he's not religious whatsoever, he usually wishes you farewell with the words, "Peace be with you." Nearly everyone responds with, "And also with you," and then leaves feeling uncomfortable and hungry for Eucharist.

I think Eugenio has made a bold choice, looking to the Liturgy for his small talk needs. Some people don't realize this, but my own phone greeting is biblical in nature, coming from St. Paul's first letter, "Hey, What's Up, Corinthians?" Taking Eugenio's lead, I started saying goodbye with, "For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen." It rolls right off the tongue. The proper response to that phrase is, of course, a high five. Unless you're dealing with a British tourist or an American border guard, because there's no way they'll understand you. Just scream, "Peace be with you!", drive into the desert, and then demand an Academy Award.

Heard on ALICE, 97.3:

- Can I hear an Evanescence song besides "Call Me When You're Sober"?
- You want to hear something older?
- Yeah.
- OK, I got one for you. What's your name?
- Amethyst.

(In Flashbacks, we revisit old unrealized comedic material unearthed from old notebooks and post-it notes. A Flashback is not a stranger, just a friend you haven't yet met.)

Flashback #1

Flashback #2

Flashback #3

Flashback #4

Ideas For Future Epitaphs - December 1998

An inscription in Latin, that when translated reads: "This epitaph is written in Latin."

"Think of Sean Keane when you read this epitaph."

"Try not to think about your own impending death as you read this."

"Any flowers you leave here will slowly die and be eventually thrown away, just like you and I."

"What's the deal with undertakers, anyway?"

"If reincarnation exists, perhaps someday I will journey to this cemetery, and this epitaph will give me a clue as to who I once was. But most likely, my reincarnated self is sitting on a couch in the suburbs, eating cheetos and deciding when it would be okay to masturbate again."

"Get used to disappointment."

"West Side 'til I die! So, East side!"

"Maybe I shouldn't have taken those barbiturates and drank that vodka, as it seems there was no spaceship on that comet after all."

My friends from Australia have been in contact again. This time, they've made a parody video of Saddam Hussein's execution. They're not in legal trouble or under fire from censors; they're just displaying more of that lovable classless Aussie behavior we love so much.

We are at a unique time in history where the execution of a foreign leader is widely available on YouTube. I though I'd look at what else fair use has wrought and review other "humorous" uses of the Saddam footage.

1. Saddam Hussein Hanging with Ren & Stimpy audio

Description: "A video montage of various clips of Saddam Hussein's exectution. [sic] Set to the audio clip of 'The Lord Loves a Hanging' form the Ren & Stimpy Show."

This video was removed by user Crunchmeister.

2. Saddam Hussein - Before the execution by saddam10101

Description: "Let's take a look at what life was like for the dictator before his capture, in the good old days."

Begins with the words, "All good things must come to an end." It's a montage of photos where various pictures of Saddam Hussein's face have been cut out and pasted over the originals. There's mustached Saddam in a crib. There's black-and-white Saddam's head sunbathing in a bikini. Incarcerated, bearded Saddam rides a bicycle. At the end, it says "Saddam Hussein. 1937-2006 Stylish to the end" over a photoshopped graphic of bearded Saddam wearing a New York Yankees cap.

3. The real reason Saddam Hussein was hung? by rymaki

Description: Same as the title.

The video asks, "The reason Saddam Hussein was hung?" The question lingers for five seconds, and then we see a photo of an apparently well-endowed Saddam Hussein in his tighty-whities. "Just lucky I guess!"

4. Ejecucion de Saddam Hussein 2 by juanjolimado

Description: "La muerte de Saddam 2. Saddam Hussein excution [sic] with flavor, con sabor limado"

We have the standard video of the execution, but the user has added a Spanish-language voiceover. Also, the voices are either sped up or slowed down. This may be what provides the "sabor limado". The effect is to disguise the voices, much as Saddam's executioners wore ski masks to hide their identities. I can't understand what they're saying in Spanish, but I bet it's hilarious and/or citrusy.

5. Saddam Husseins last song by merik666

Description: "Norwegian edition His last wish for a song."

This sets the execution to a song, presumably sung in Norwegian. It sounds like the song features the word "hanging", or something close to it. I bet that somewhere in America, there's a frantic amateur video editor hastily making their own version set to "Hanging Tough" by New Kids on the Block, "Hanging Around" by Counting Crows, or "Rainy Days and Mondays" by The Carpenters.

6. Official Video of Saddam Hussein's Execution by doctorfoofoo

Description: "The Execution of Saddam Hussein. Showing hanging scenes you didn't see on CNN, Al-Jazeera or Fox. This is the full execution with the best quality avaiable on the internet..."

Middle Eastern music plays as a stuffed Elmo perches on a box with a bungee cord noose around its neck. Behind Elmo, there is a drawing of two guys carrying guns and/or dancing, perhaps to symbolize Saddam/Elmo's position as a strongman and/or party animal. Fifteen seconds in, Elmo falls forward and dangles from the noose.

The videomakers missed an opportunity by not using a Tickle Me Elmo Extreme. I'd like to see this same video starring a Spanish-language TMX Elmo who cries out, "Otra vez! Otra vez!" as he dangles.

7. Saddam's farewell concert--featuring special guest J.T. by TfromSM

Description: "Evil dictator performs onelast [sic] concert--with surprise guest!!!"

A guy who's not at all dressed like Saddam stands in a garage with a noose around his neck. Saddam requests "one last jam" with James Taylor, and after some tedious setup, a fake James Taylor emerges, also looking nothing like the real guy. Both men pretend to play guitar and sing along to "You've Got A Friend". The actor playing Saddam has chosen to speak Cookie Monster English, leaving out all modifiers and grunting.

The whole scene is partially obscured by the water heater and washing machine, since they're in the garage and all. The appliances block 30% of the action, but I like to think the author intended them to be a metaphor for the government's wish that Saddam's execution will cleanse some of Iraq's dark history. The water heater stands as a warning of the potential for a heated response from Saddam's Sunni supporters.

This video is pretty boring. Eventually James Taylor pulls the rope to "hang" Saddam and wanders out of the garage as on off-screen voice complains, "Jackass, you were supposed to be lip-synching the words! I don't know what the fuck you were doing."