two weeks notice, except less


I'm sorry to have had to call you in here like this, but I'm afraid it can't wait. Every one of you is fired. You can stay until the end of the week.

I've been going over my notes, crunching the numbers, and the statistics don't lie. Productivity is down, expectations have not been met. There are people who have invested a lot of time and money here, and frankly, I don't know what to tell them anymore. People with influence are starting to ask tough questions about the future of this operation. It's all I can do to keep my head above water. And out of the toilet, because this whole thing makes me sick.

We could try third-party mediation, but I'm not sure we should keep kidding ourselves here. Plus, that third party is also fired. And dropped. Some of you are also dropped. Please make a note.

No, I am not crying. Those are my allergies. I have allergies.

It's just not working out. It's not you, really, it's me. Me, firing each and every one of you with just cause; cause which I will explain later because there are lots of very good reasons really and I am just not going to talk about it right now OK?. Maybe we should start seeing other people. Or even no one at all. OK, me, seeing people, you all, in seclusion, thinking about seeing me, but unable to, because you're fired.

On second thought, those other people I was going to be seeing are also fired. Please make a note.

I am also going to need those nametags back.


you can't fire me.

i quit!

And the precious card keys??

i knew this day would come.

well, before i go, i guess i should let you know that i've been working for someone else this entire time. yeah, that's right. remember all those mornings i'd come in late, smelling like someone else's brand of copier toner? and i'd just tell you that there was a copier repairman sitting next to me on the bus? well, it was all a lie. i've been working for him for months, and you know what else? he was better than you. you i just kept around for the christmas bonuses and free paper clips. have a nice life, 'boss'.

btw- since you so obviously can afford it, you're gonna have to look into buying a whole new set of computers after that virus is finished rampaging through the system....

and I've password protected all your databases. you'll never get at that data now. all your databases are belong to us.

Try finding your staplers now! Ha. Fire me, will you? We'll see.....

I used to have a TA for Business administration named Jean-Marc who pronounced "staple" as if it rhymed with "apple". He also once silenced a blabbermouth guy in our class by saying, "Eh, how do you say... stop talking now."

Thanks for letting me go. I look forward to using my severance pay to sit around my ass, watching day-time TV and playing Dynasty Warriors while you're at the office busting your ass, doing all of our work. Sucka!

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This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on March 4, 2003 1:27 PM.

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