the door test, kid, that's what counts


From Chazz Palmentieri's "A Bronx Tale":

"Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her."

"Just like that?"

"Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast."

The Door Test is a brilliant exercise to judge the relative selfishness of broads one encounters. It's very simple, in that you don't really have to administer a test - you just unlock the door, walk slowly around the back, and wait for truth to emerge. There's no subjectivity either. The Door Test is 1/0, Pass/Fail, Keep/Dump. It's better than evaluating door-opening in a non-automotive context, because there are no confounds like issues of chivalry, or the risk of pedestrian traffic jams. The lock button is judge and jury, presiding over the Door Test like a Roman emperor watching gladiators, indicating a broad's success or failure with a mechanical "thumbs-up" or "thumbs-down."

A female acquaintance of mine recently failed the Door test four times, over a two-day span. One or even two such failures might be understandable, but four indicates a certain lack of empathy. It won't change the way I relate to said acquaintance, probably, but it's somewhat disheartening to learn what sort of broad a girl truly is. In contrast, Miss Fitzpadrick passed the Door Test with flying colors, leaning over to unlock the driver's door before her own door was even shut. Huzzah, Miss Fitzpadrick, huzzah.

I wonder if technology will soon render the Door Test obsolete. My own car lacks the power door locks so omnipresent on today's horseless carriages, but other vehicles are becoming too modern for the Door Test. Does Mr. Lexus C-Class even notice that his ultra-convenient remote-keypad door-unlocker is, in effect, destroying his car's selfish-broad-detecting capabilities?

It may be past the heyday of the Door Test, but I plan to keep utilizing it as long as I can to separate the broad wheat from the broad chaff. And when the last manual door locks disappear, and we're all riding in hovercrafts with robot chauffeurs, I will shed a brief tear for the Door Test, and move onto the only possible remaining system of broad evaluation: whether or not she'll put out.


I've been using the door test pretty successfully for six years now, and I must insist that it is the only keeper/loser test that works consistently.

Unlike Mr. Keane, I also use it to judge the strength of my friendships. I don't really make a distinction between my friends and my lovers, other than acknowledging that they place differently along the "Acquaintance Continuum." Either way, I expect the same sort of treatment from them, and my friends can expect the same sort of treatment from me as I give to my lovers. Except for the flowers. And the sex.

i expect flowers and sex from all my friends. you hear that, people??

i have to concede that erica's car, which has automatic locking doors when the car is in drive, always, ALWAYS makes sure to put the car in park as soon as she is dropping someone off so that they can get out of the car. i have known others with the same type of car who would let me aimlessly fumble with the lock trying to get out. this is kind of a reverse test to see whether or not it's worth putting out for the driver. then again this whole thing, in our equity loving society, kind of works if the GIRL owns the car and wants to know how selfish the BOY is. i'm just saying.

p.s. erica- anytime baby, anytime.

Nothing puts a bigger grin on my face than a girl I dig, passing the door test...well, a goodnight kiss to Liz Phair's 'Hot White Cum' is almost on par. ;)

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This page contains a single entry by Sean Keane published on May 18, 2003 4:10 PM.

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